There is always the remote chance that someone reading my thoughts, or engaging me in a bit of a chat, focused on our responsibility to the Moment, will question "How Real" my actual practice of what I profess, might be.
I am sharing today's living demonstration of just such a happening. (Mind you ... I would never offer my personal response as any sort of 'standard' ... only my own individual choice of "Muse satisfaction." [smile])
'Twas upon seeing a very familiar name on a list of fellow graduates from my high School. Good ol' reliable Muse whispered her conspiratorial "Lest she never know!" And I clicked on the "Send Email" icon.
The message speaks for itself ...
Hi [name withheld],
It has taken these many years ... and Life 'nudging' me through Mom's reminding me of the instance (she was always very fond of you,[and knows how much I cared about you]) ... for me to muster the courage to confess what caused me to allow our budding relationship to wither.
Please know that I was totally enchanted with you. And on that night (that you have probably completely forgotten by now) when I was taking you home in our family car, I stopped and told you hurriedly that I had to "check on the strange noise coming from the rear of the car." What I did not then ... and it has taken 'til now to ... have the courage to tell you, was that I had an undiagnosed problem with my bladder. I, in fact, had to frantically get out of the car and hide behind the open trunk, to deal with the fact that my bladder had failed me. Yep! I wet myself. Hence, when I got you home, I could not get out of the car and walk you to the door. My pants were wet. (Believe me, this is still painful to recall.) I was humiliated beyond words.
When I heard later that you Dad forbade you to see me again because of my demonstration of poor manners and disrespect, I was despondent. But it was too much for me to speak of. Even after the doctor diagnosed what he called "spastic colon", and remedied the temporary condition with some pills, I could not overcome my humiliation, and sorrow, to tell you how devastated I was at the loss of whatever our relationship may have held the promise of being (and have revisited that loss with remorse many times since.) I was truly in love with you. There! At long last, I have told you.
I have lived, for a long time, with the guiding life-navigating star of "if it holds the possibility of ever being an 'I wish I had' ... do not let the moment pass without doing or saying whatever holds that potential." If I had not let you know the truth about that miserable night ... it would forever remain an "I wish I had."
I truly hope that this strange and unusual note finds you basking in the fullest of this Christmas Season's joy and happiness. I remain, forever, your admiring Friend and Servant,
John-Michael
It has taken these many years ... and Life 'nudging' me through Mom's reminding me of the instance (she was always very fond of you,[and knows how much I cared about you]) ... for me to muster the courage to confess what caused me to allow our budding relationship to wither.
Please know that I was totally enchanted with you. And on that night (that you have probably completely forgotten by now) when I was taking you home in our family car, I stopped and told you hurriedly that I had to "check on the strange noise coming from the rear of the car." What I did not then ... and it has taken 'til now to ... have the courage to tell you, was that I had an undiagnosed problem with my bladder. I, in fact, had to frantically get out of the car and hide behind the open trunk, to deal with the fact that my bladder had failed me. Yep! I wet myself. Hence, when I got you home, I could not get out of the car and walk you to the door. My pants were wet. (Believe me, this is still painful to recall.) I was humiliated beyond words.
When I heard later that you Dad forbade you to see me again because of my demonstration of poor manners and disrespect, I was despondent. But it was too much for me to speak of. Even after the doctor diagnosed what he called "spastic colon", and remedied the temporary condition with some pills, I could not overcome my humiliation, and sorrow, to tell you how devastated I was at the loss of whatever our relationship may have held the promise of being (and have revisited that loss with remorse many times since.) I was truly in love with you. There! At long last, I have told you.
I have lived, for a long time, with the guiding life-navigating star of "if it holds the possibility of ever being an 'I wish I had' ... do not let the moment pass without doing or saying whatever holds that potential." If I had not let you know the truth about that miserable night ... it would forever remain an "I wish I had."
I truly hope that this strange and unusual note finds you basking in the fullest of this Christmas Season's joy and happiness. I remain, forever, your admiring Friend and Servant,
John-Michael
There ... now You, Dear Reader, know that I do (even in the most awkward and challenging of circumstance) honor my Spirit's claim on me. As bizarre and odd as this example may seem, (and I know that you cringed [with me] as you read it) I cannot deny Life's claim on me. Responsibility to the demand of the Gift of each moment is what drives me on. And I promise You that it is a joyfully satisfying and fulfilling path to follow.
Just listen ... then trust the result or response to the omniscient power of Life's unfailing Love. It NEVER blunders.
I love You.
7 comments:
John-Michael how fortunate to have the opportunity to right a very unhappy situation & declare your feelings of so long ago. It makes one think of all the times in the past we may have accidentally hurt someone, or not said or done what was our hearts desire. If only we could go back & right all the wrongs, what a treasure it would be.
You, My Dear Anonymous Friend, in your "If only we could go back & right all the wrongs", have eloquently expressed a definition of an "I wish that I had ..." moment. I do hope that my intimate confession encourages you to be open to Life's opportunities to erase any potential new occurrences of such a moment ... and heal any past ones.
Bless you for your encouragement of my uncomfortable openness. I am grateful.
Lovingly ...
John-Michael,
To write that took courage and conviction to do the right thing and to gladden someone's heart. That is truly a sign of honor to be so forthright in your expression of what happened and of your true emotions for your friend. I know you delighted her day and made her smile, even as she empathized with your pain.
I really must say, Dearest Carole, that I was more than a little bit hesitant (and am now a little 'queasy') to click on that "SEND" button. Amazing that after all of the "stuff" of living that I have confronted and dealt with over the years, Speaking of (and even remembering) that event, and the hurt feelings of that wonderful young woman, evokes fresh pain.
I am genuinely grateful for your kind encouragement. You are way beyond generous and caring. Thank you, Dear Friend.
Lovingly ...
John-Michael:
I, for one, never would have doubted your commitment to being just who you are, whether here or in other places. You are amazing, and I learn more every time I come here.
I am so glad that, for You, My SulDog Friend, my openness (which is so often off-setting to some folk) only validates your kind confidence in my commitment to honesty. I have had many experiences with a companion made uncomfortable by my conviction that all that I learn from Life is only of value if it benefits someone else. (I see no merit, or useful purpose, in experience or insight taken to the useless terminus of the grave.) [smile]
Your encouragement, and generous acceptance, are a great boon to my Spirit, Jim. I thank You.
Lovingly ...
i only hope the response to the speaking of truth was gentle and encouraging.
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