Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A New Awareness

So, My Dear Reader, here we are. The opening pages of a new chapter … in a book that has just closed the preceding chapters. Two thirds of the way through what we can reasonably expect to be our individual contribution to Life’s ongoing story. Mom was the last of the forgoing generation … and I (as the eldest of the next) stand in line for the present in succession to the role of most senior of our family.

There is an uncertainty to this position. Prior to Mom’s passing, last Tuesday (the 4th of January), there was an unrecognized barrier between me and the threshold of mortality. Even after Dad passed, in March of 2006, Mom’s presence kept me in the role of one of ‘the kids.’ That is now gone.

Though I was never before aware of it, I rested in the unacknowledged ‘safety’ of my parents as a natural buffer separating me from the altogether usual and natural happening of my own physical impermanence. The absence of that unconscious buffer has brought an unexpected set of neither unpleasant, nor uncomfortable, feelings and sensations.

Though no one will say it, I am now in the position of the “next in line” to go. My sister, Linda, at two years younger; my brothers, Steven, at eight years, and Tracy, seventeen years my junior, are logically expected to survive me. I am the “lead domino.” [silly grin] And I am aware of a whole new sense about life. I am actually engaged in a rather exhilarating moment. I feel really, really good. How’s that for weird? I know! Me too!

I don’t share this for any meaningful or purposeful reason … just to do as I have always tried to do … remain completely open and vulnerable to you, Dear Friend, for whatever benefit there may be in it for you.

I am working on a several bits of reflection that I will post when I have digested their individual ideas sufficiently to regurgitate them here. [smile]

‘Til then, I send my heart’s truest affection for You, Dear One, and thank you for your kind and generous companionship in my life. I do, truly, love You.


Anonymous said...

I, too, look at my parents as buffers to mortality. I, being childfree, have often thought that I am not daily reminded of my mortality of those younger faces. As I watch my parents age, and the aging that has occurred during my approx. 10 year absence being across country, I see new lines on their faces, a new stoopedness to their backs and a slowness of gait. Those same traits I enjoyed in my grandparents are now a part of my parents... but the reaction is a bit more bittersweet. I reach for patience knowing that that irritating trait will one day be missed.


Silvia said...

Ciao...I have just read your blog (thanks for sharing it on fb it is more direct and easy to follow) and I have discovered about your mum. I'm so sorry dad, I know that this are the worst moments of one's life and there are no words to say, just sit next to you and holding your hand...

I hug you tight and you know that even if many miles far, I'm with you!


Betsy said...

My sincere condolences on your mom's passing. xo

You've given me a reason to be happy to be a middle child! haha...another buffer there between me and the 'lead domino'. :)

Sending my best thoughts your way...

Maria said...

My Beloved Friend,

I'm so very sorry... I want you to know, you are not alone. Unfortunately/Fortunately (it depends on the point of view), I can understand these thoughts and feelings. Not exactly in the same place, but having similar thoughts...
Thank you so much for sharing and for being brave and "still".

Your Friend always.

Suldog said...

Well, now that I've read this (I'm reading backwards in time) I more readily understand your most recent.

My sincerest condolences upon the loss of your mother. I only wish I had offered them earlier.

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