Travel Companion

With all of this talk of “Life’s Journey” I’ve found myself considering the variety of traveling companions that I have had the opportunity to know. There are the “Getting the House in Order” individuals; the “Not the Right Time” people; the “Caution To the Wind” variety; your “Provide For All Contingencies” traveler; our “I Tried That Once” group; the “Oh My, What If” folk; the “I Heard About…” individuals; and the “Carpe Diem” pilgrims (just to name a few.) Let‘s “travel” with each of them, together, and see what kind of a life journey their accompaniment provides.

I must confess to not being partial to a companion who is constantly beset with the “Did we” (I’m being generous here… as we all know, it is more likely to be “Did YOU”) “secure the lawn furniture… you know that it is possible for a storm to come up while we are away.” Or “Did we (again…) contact the newspaper to suspend deliveries while we are gone?”… “Did we call the neighbor’s son to mow the grass next week?”… and on, and on. One can not help but wonder why this person has even bothered to embark on the journey. Wouldn’t they be far more at ease simply staying at home, confirming (as frequently as they desire) the status of the lawn furniture; the newspaper delivery; and the length of the grass? And what an enhancement to the sight-seeing experience of their companion (who has to graciously respond to each distraction) they provide!

But please do not be too readily dismissive of them. Do we not also know of someone who is beset with similar compulsions while engaged in their life journey? Choosing to fret about nagging details and, in the process, denying their companion the joy of the moment’s present offering and refusing themselves a legitimate opportunity to live in their own momentary gift? These sorts of diversions certainly do nothing to enhance the enjoyment of passing vistas nor do they add to the sense of oneness in the excursion. And the same applies to some of the (above noted) other groups. Too engaged in concerns about the “timeliness” of moving on… “Is this the right time?”… (whatever the dickens that means!) And then if they do reluctantly decide to move ahead a bit, it is with the constant readiness to (at the least provocation or challenge) say “I KNEW that I should have waited!” What a miserable experience for the companion of this reluctant participant in life!

You can translate the misery dynamic to those who are afraid to move ahead unless they have guarantees that all possible (whether seen and known or unseen and unknown) contingencies have been fully prepared for… and are then constantly on their guard for the possibility of any threats that may present themselves. Don’t you just know that their companion is reveling in the spontaneity of that trip! But the “Just throw caution to the wind” traveler is no more a source of traveling comfort. Knowing that your day-to-day experience of life is vulnerable to the irresponsibilities of a “shoot-from-the-hip cavalier does nothing to bring peace and comfort to a companion. One can be a “seize the moment” (carpe diem) traveler… accepting, embracing, and celebrating life’s offerings as provided by Life… without being irresponsible and careless.

But, oh my, how many of life’s opportunities are wasted even today, by those who either “postpone” their embarkation by clinging to, or cripple the journey begun by refusing to let go of the “I tried this once… and…” (always an unhappy recollection attached); or “You know… I heard about…(or) I know someone who…(or) what if…(or [God help us all… I’ve actually heard this one more than once]) I saw a movie where…” and they carry this sack of garbage with them as they travel… or embrace it as their comfort sack to justify not traveling on at all. Need I even comment on the tragedy of these lives?!

All of this having been said, Dear Friend, I write today not to condemn… not to make fun of, diminish, nor discount anyone’s individual circumstance. But my purpose is to hold up a mirror in which we (all of us… myself certainly included) can look at either our currently employed excuses for opting for burrowing deeply into our present circumstance… or examining the quality of our commitment to our journey… and its effect on those who have us as a traveling companion. It is my most sincere hope that these musings are of benefit to you as I remain, Your constant Friend, Traveling Companion, and Servant, John-Michael.


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

Before Boarding That Next Bus

I am convinced that life is, indeed, a journey… all about the trip… little to do with the destination. And it is my observation that we manage, through a series of choices, to join ourselves to various “vehicles” for the facilitating of our tour here. There are times when we have an enjoyable travel experience… and others that are not saved in our photo album. All too often... the bus stops... not our choice... not in our control... but it (unhappily) does.
We frequently hear people question the wisdom of their selected traveling companion “How did I make such a choice… wouldn’t my experience have been more satisfactory had I chosen to travel with___”; the mode and/or style of their transporting “this is not the way that I foresaw my life being… I had a different plan.”; and their itinerary “I never would have chosen that… that is his/her idea… I am going along with this to avoid confrontation… I would have preferred something more to my liking… but you know how he/she is.”; and on and on (no… I have not been listening at your door!)

Then, when the “arrangement” falls apart and we “go separate ways” there is the forever… “How could I have made such a stupid choice?! What is wrong with me?! Am I incapable of ever making a good choice in a relationship?!” And, again, we could go on and on… (but I choose to let your own personal voices finish for me [those that you have heard and/or spoken yourself].) I ask you to STOP! Remember… J O U R N E Y. This is a series of progressions and that relationship serves to carry you from where you were to where you are now… there never were any guarantees of “Dream Destination Delivery” (as much as we ALL wanted and believed that we had made that bargain.) As a matter of fact… you (at the onset of each stage of your journey) were not equipped to forecast a definitive image of what your “dream destination” was. That too is a developing concept. (Does the term "Growth Pain" sound familiar?)

So, Dear Friend, how do you deal with the turmoil of recriminations, doubts, guilt, and frustrations that churn within you at this juncture. Here I offer a “tool”… an implement (if you will)… a “device” for your use in managing all of those issues. Think of each stage of your journey as a succession of bus trips… with changes of buses and bus routes as needed to take you each step of the way forward. One bus was, obviously, for Education (some of us are faster “learners” than others while some may require a few bus “transfers.”) Some of the vehicles of our progress we now (usually in 20/20 hindsight) know to have been an Entertainment Tour… replete with glittering lights, music, and (unfortunately) little substance.

The major point of this exercise is to bring you to a realization that there are (regrettably) very, very few “buses” that are chartered for an entire life journey. (Perhaps giving ourselves more of an opportunity to mature in our concepts of personal values PRIOR to boarding would help here.) Many simply “break down” for health or accidental reasons, thereby altering the travel plans of both travelers involved. But none of these considerations are final. None are “the end of the line.” They can be (if accepted in a healthy and constructive way) simply, progressive steps in our individual, personal journey. And as a fellow pilgrim, I am here to encourage you to consider your potentials… your options… your lovely choices from this point in your pilgrimage to some new sights to be seen… vistas to be celebrated… and joys to be claimed.

I speak not from some isolated, disattached promontory from which I survey all the struggles of those below. Oh no… I am right here with you, Dear One, stumbling along right beside you… grasping for an understanding of the moment and its significance… and reaching out to you to lift, push, encourage, and exhort you along with a silly song, a dollop of laughter, and a modicum of helpful insight when available. So, if you want a bit of a respite… ride along with this vintage bus for a while… at least until your blisters and bruises heal… and we will create a few memories worth the keeping… as Friends, Cohorts, and Partners in this beautiful adventure called … LIFE.

IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

The WOW Factor

My problem is… I have actually met them. When I first saw them, I was stricken with wonder… “They are real!” I thought. Then, to be sure… to confirm the sighting… I spoke to them “Please forgive my intrusion… but I could not help but see that love that you have for each other… it is so very evident that I am compelled to say ‘Thank you for your encouragement… you have lifted my spirit and given me hope.” Then I went my way with a fresh resolve to never settle for anything less than what I had just witnessed.

Granted… there are not many of them. I have, personally, witnessed only six sightings (and four of the six were repeat sightings of two couples.) Who are these extraordinary people? Well… I do not know any of their names. But I will tell you about my observations.

The first was in Naples (don’t get misty-eyed… it is Florida, not Italy.) I was seated at what had become my “favorite table” in my weekly visit to that charming, end-of-the-road little (and obscenely wealthy) community. In my role as the Regional Director of an investment products firm, I made a weekly circuit of the state of Florida, meeting with brokers and financial planners to offer them products that might fit the investment needs of their clients. Hence, I found my way to the restaurant in question for a respite and the necessary completion of paper-work details related to my appointments.

And… there they were. At the cashier… tending to their bill. Easily in their 80’s in years and unmistakably in their 60’s in their relationship… they stood together… he: tall… white-haired… erect and proud, but with a gentle and relaxed demeanor. She: tiny… white-haired… graceful and elegant, with a smooth and easy flowing of movement. They: harmoniously one. They spoke with quiet, nearly-whispered voices, in a comfortable and almost-choreographed rhythm… all the while maintaining a visual connection and thread of unity that was woven with a silent agreement to something akin to a private joke that was known only to them and had been their secret treasure for a very long time. I was mesmerized.

Then they turned and left the restaurant. Well… if you know me at all… you know that I recognized this as one of those potential “If I don’t… I will later wish that I had” moments. So up I stood…
followed them into the parking area… to their car (where slightly concerned glances were sent back toward me) “Please forgive my intrusion, Dear Friends… But I am compelled to take a moment to express my admiration of… my appreciation for… and my encouragement by the obvious harmony and joy that lives in that love that the two of you so clearly share. You have blessed my spirit today and I thank you.” I then quickly turned and took my leave (but not before acknowledging the slight smiles that they exchanged as they thanked me.)

The other two couples I will tell you about some other time… I, obviously, have no desire to abbreviate the telling of these tales to conform to my self-imposed limits on the length of these writings, so I will stop with this one. Ask me sometime, and I will try to recall the McDonald’s Restaurant couple… and the “in my rear-view mirror” couple.

My point, today, is simply this. I have witnessed the reality of long-term excitement and appreciation… with a blend of playful camaraderie… in relationships. The “WOW factor” can and does live on in shared lives… and I will never settle for anything less for myself.


IMAGES Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

Go Ahead... Talk About Love

If you want to really scare someone… talk about love. People become instantly insecure, uncomfortable, awkward, inarticulate, stammering idiots when confronted with this little word that packs the punch of a nuclear warhead. While we can cope with the threat of all sorts of natural and/or man-devised ills, we find ourselves rendered helpless and terrorized with the presence of this ‘little’ concept. “You can curse me, threaten me, abuse me, belittle, ignore, and bring all sorts of hazards against me… but PLEASE don’t tell me that you love me. I just can’t handle that.” Or so it seems the world is saying.

And I, as those of you who know me well know all too well, bring, as a matter of natural course, this destabilizing force with me as a part of my chosen daily life manner.
I not only permit myself to love; I express that affection to whomever gives rise to the feeling. Why? Because I am convinced that this world that we share can only be made more pleasant, more enjoyable, more comfortable if we make love a customary companion to our daily considerations. Not, as its more readily known status, as alien… but as our comfortably welcomed norm.

But (there’s always a ‘but’, isn’t there?) you had better mean it when you say it. That’s right… there is no ‘faking it.’ I know when I am responding honestly to an impulse to love. And you can easily detect an insincere expression of affection more readily than any other form of subterfuge from me or any other. It takes a certain kind of courage to overcome the natural instinct to avoid the vulnerability that expressing yourself brings… and disingenuousness is too much to add to the burden of open candor.
So be honest, respect the personhood of the one to whom you are ready to reveal yourself, and say it (whatever ‘it’ is.) And a little, but critical note… listen to the guidance of your “still small inner voice.” If that inner voice says “Not this time”… cool it! Otherwise… act! Remember, Dear Friend, that this is not a dress rehearsal for life… this is, in fact, our singular opportunity to capitalize on the moments given to us… or lose them. “I wish that I had…” is a sad refrain to reflect back on. Far better, in this old man’s estimation, to look back and say “I gave that person the gift of my true feelings… not contingent on any expectation or requirement… but as a free gift from my heart.” And face the next day’s offerings without regrets for opportunities lost.

So, My Dear Friend, I hope that this little note will serve to dispel any trepidations that you have experienced when I have offered my love to you. I am not stalking,
perseverating, or plotting some outlandish agenda with you as my target of focus. I am merely enjoying the happiness of the love that you have engendered in my heart for you. So, please chill out, kick back, relax, and celebrate, with me, this gift of love that Life has made available to us. With a little practice, I can promise you that you will find the atmosphere of love a delightful one to live in.

Trust me… it’s fun... feels good... and improves the atmosphere!

John-Michael/24July2005


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

The Children's Hour

OK... Bless your enduring heart, I am going to gush! Sorry... can't be helped. I had breakfast with my best friend and brother (yes!... younger than me... they're ALL younger than me!) at Einstein's this morning as he took a "see you again, next time" detour on his way to the airport. So, why the "gush"? Because I was with my favorite person on this globe and I am celebrating his Being in love! Steven is totally in love with Mary, his wife... he is completely in love with his children; two of whom (Maggie and Sophia) he anxiously looks forward to being with this evening... and he is in love with the life that they make a living joy for him. So... I, (who loves him ) am gushing with delight for him... for them... and for being able to share in his joy with him.

So, My Dear Reader, I am going to share a special treat with you so that you too can have something to "gush" over... My favorite poem (and you will quickly see why Steven reminds me of it right now.) It is the poem that, upon my discovery of it, made me fall in love with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and elect him as my favorite poet of all time. I now invite you to enjoy... The Children's Hour.

The Children’s Hour
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
(Born February 27, 1807; died March 24, 1882)

Between the dark and the daylight,
When the light is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day’s occupations
That is known as the Children’s Hour.

I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of the door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet.

From my study I see in the lamplight,
Descending the broad hall stair,
Grave Alice and laughing Allegra,
And Edith with golden hair.

A whisper, and then a silence;
Yet I know by their merry eyes,
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.

A sudden rush from the stairway,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By three doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!

They climb up into my turret,
O’er the arms and back of my chair;
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.

They almost devour me with kisses,
Their arms about me entwine,
Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen
In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine.

Do you think, O blue-eyed banditti,
Because you have scaled the wall,
Such an old mustache as I am
Is not a match for you all?

I have you fast in my fortress,
And will not let you depart,
But put you down into the dungeon
In the round-tower of my heart.

And there will I keep you forever,
Yes, forever and a day,
Till the wall shall crumble to ruin,
And moulder in dust away.


IMAGE: Public source

The Absence

For many years I struggled with trying to form a coherent image... an understanding... something that I could relate to in expressing the particular need that I was aware of for a specific and uniquely suited woman to complete me as the man that I yearned to be. Then, at lunch in a fast-food restaurant, it came to me. I turned my paper place-mat over and on it penned this expression. I truly hope that it gives language to your spirit as I share with you... The Absence:

He walks proudly, as the sovereign of beings,
parading confidence in his very presence.

Seemingly he needs none other than himself… the power exuded in his solitude and might bespeaks no requirement beyond his own strengths.

Yet, with him, each step of the way, is a powerful Absence;
just as real and tangible as any presence.

This Absence has form, size, dimension, breath, warmth, character, and Being… and… in its existence, the Absence holds power and authority equal to all held by its host.

Indeed, he is but a fraction of what he is capable of being… with this Absence keeping pace with him… stride for stride.

While all of the necessary equipment is there for him to dominate, control, and enjoy his term as master… he is diluted in his ability to measure up to the illusion… the expectations… by the Absence that denies him the power that would be… in her Presence.

Her Presence, in displacing the Absence, fills each void of need, desire, inspiration, motivation, fulfillment and joy that serve to energize him toward all that is expected of so grand a creature as he.

Her Presence, in displacing the Absence, makes of him all that the image of him proclaims… provides the substance to support the vision.

Her Presence… but, oh, such a void when it remains the Absence… waiting, hungering, echoing for the filling… when…

“THE TWO SHALL BE AS ONE.”


John-Michael
06Sept1989
Revised: 25Apr2001
Revised: 10Aug2004


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

Addressing Our "Yearn-Ache"

So to that matter of yearning. How seldom it is that we hear (if, indeed we ever hear) any mention of yearning. The word conjures the absolute sense of that always present yet silent and unassuming vacuum within that wants, endlessly, for filling. David Keirsey in his wonderful work Please Understand Me (particularly the book 2) artfully presents, in his explanation of our "“values", the yearning facet of our BEING.

"“Why" you may ask "“is this attention to individuality so important that we are repeatedly revisiting it?" I am so glad that you asked. The importance (in part) lies in the necessity of avoidance of a malady that plagued me through my first forty years. Here I will present, for your consideration, the idea of preventing the debilitating nemesis: YEARNACHE. That'’s right! The all-encompassing aching that has its roots in the absence of fulfillment of a yearning. Hence, I am, hereby and forevermore, coining the never-before-known yearnache to establish an identity for a recurring reality in my life (and, I might add, something that I have recognized in the lives of many, many others all about me over the years.)

You see, each of us has, as a major influence on our inborn value systems, a knowable and predictable yearning element. The fact that such a consideration is not a part of our daily transactional vocabulary (nor is it something that we even know how to address inwardly) leaves the matter unaddressed (most often for the entire duration of our lifetimes.) Thus, it is my absolute conviction that we are most likely apt to live lives of not only unsatisfied but also unidentified yearnings. We are presented with social, cultural, religious, family, and moral standards by which we are taught to establish and measure our desires. But far too often we are left with an empty and sadly unsatisfied sense that we are not, somehow, complete.

Most often the answer to our sense of dissatisfaction is provided in the assessment of that 'wonderful' guilt inducing charge of self-centered-ness. "“So you are feeling unhappy, then just get over yourself"” I oft hear repeated. Herein lies the rub. Yourself is just exactly who you are supposed to be. Yourself is the identity with which you were wondrously created. And, my dear Reader, your yearnings are a valuable, integral part of you... and the same is most assuredly true of each child whose development and nurturing is the responsibility of each of us with whom that child has even the briefest of contact. We can be attuned to each other'’s yearnings and make an effort to encourage and strengthen or, by default, leave that yearning to wither and produce a 'yearnache' in the spirit of the other. To the end that we do not do that... please allow me to introduce you to the four basic yearning identities. From there it is my hope that you will, first, recognize and honor your own yearning... then grow to respect and edify the yearnings of those presented, by Life, to you.

Where do yearnings play in the business of the orderly stratagem of providence? I understand it to be generally accepted that the seventy-six percent majority of all of us humans are fairly equally divided into two camps. Thirty-eight percent of the concrete thinking world yearns to make an impact while seeking constant stimulation. The other half of this empirically functioning group yearns for belonging and is motivated by a quest for security. The former were referred to, by Aristotle, as the Hedonics (Artisan). The latter he called the Proprietary (Guardian). Of the equally divided abstract thinkers, one half Aristotle knew as the Ethicals (Idealist) while the other half were, to his thinking, the Dialecticals (Rational). The Ethicals (Idealists) are driven by a yearning for idealized love best defined as romance, while seeking identity in their lives. Dialecticals (Rationals) yearn for achievement and are compelled to seek it in knowledge. While the labels for these four (the Hedonic, Proprietary, Ethical, and Dialectical) have been revised by many who have studied them over the millennia, there has been a consistency of definition and a concurrence in the interpretation of their respective natural traits.

I think it highly unlikely that we will have a natural comfort level with Friend Aristotle's terms of identity in our own day-to-day contemplation's. Being the image-oriented creature that I am I find it more workable for me to relate the divers types to people who exemplify their types.

It was Gandhi (the abstract thinking/Idealist/ Ethical) who said:
"“Freedom and slavery are mental states."”
Truman (the concrete thinking/ Guardian/ Proprietary) said:
"I never give them [the public] hell. I just give them the truth, and they think that it is hell."
Churchill (the concrete thinking/ Artisan/ Hedonic) gave us:
"“In war: resolution. In defeat: defiance. In victory: magnanimity.
In peace: goodwill."”
And the consummate abstract thinker; the Rational/ Dialectical Einstein left us his:
"“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Perhaps relating your thinking to these so-well-known figures will make the consideration of the four types more agreeable to you... such is my hope. So, to summarize (I do enjoy the exercise of replaying the '“tape'” to reinforce the image.) We have:

*Gandhi - the Ethical/ abstract thinking/ Idealist who yearned for idealized love (romance) in his world while seeking identity for himself and his people. He found happiness in the employment of moral virtue. [12% of us]

*Truman - the Proprietary/ concrete thinking/ Guardian who yearned for belonging as a responsible "“member in good-standing"” of his society while pursuing his quest for security. His happiness was centered on the acquisition of assets (to include honors, position, and authority.) [38% of us]

*Churchill - the Hedonic/ concrete thinking/ Artisan who yearned to make an impact while seeking constant stimulation. His happiness was derived from sensual (visual, auditory, taste, tactile, and aromatic [cigar smoking not excluded]) pleasure. [38% of us]

*Einstein - the Dialectical/ abstract thinking/ Rational who yearned for
achievement and was compelled to seek it in knowledge. His happiness came in a life of logical investigation. [12% of us]

I take considerable comfort in the obvious significance of each of these types to the history of our world. [You will, no doubt, note my frequent reference to terms of "“comfort" or "“comfortable"” for, My Friend, it is to this state that I seek to guide you; first, in your mind, and then in your life... your comfort with... YOU.] No credit, acclaim, respect, admiration, or honor can be legitimately taken away from any of the examples individuals for their non-conformance to any set of measures based on someone else'’s "“norms"... nor from you. They each played a part of great consequence in the symphony of history. You and I have our own part to play in this, our life'’s 'composition'. I smile to consider the irreplaceable tone of a singly struck triangle in the midst of an orchestra'’s performance of a great work. So small the instrument. So limited the time of implementation. Yet the effect on the listening sense of the audience makes the experience whole. I encourage you to "strike a note" on the instrument of your uniqueness and enhance life's symphony with the resonance of YOU.

Vive la difference (YOUR difference)


IMAGES Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

A Moment to Consider

When it all becomes too much to consider...
When my faculties are overwhelmed and my strength depleted...
I give myself permission to consider the smaller scale...
To shut out all of the noise and demands of everything beyond this moment.
And I delight in the true reality of...

In the alphabet of Creation...
There are neither large "I"s... nor small "U"s.

IMAGE is a gift from a dear friend (via e-mail) and the source is unknown. To that unknown Source "Thank you."

YOU

Today you are You, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You.


Dr. Seuss, American Writer and Cartoonist (1904-1991)


IMAGE: Martina Brandsetter, BBC

But... Is It A Marriage?

Yes… we exchanged rings… But… I was never, in my core awareness, my innermost being, my soul and consciousness, married. Oh, if you looked in the County’s record books, there would be the indication that the person known by all to be me was legally married to the other person named there. Yet that person and I had already acknowledged to each other the reality that we did not recognize our lives in the same way. We knew life and all of its elements through senses completely alien to each other.

We had lived lives of accommodating separateness in the same dwelling for many years. We had devoted our attentions and energies to the parenting and nurturing of our two children with a great measure of success and enjoyed the shared fullness of satisfaction in seeing our children flourish as individuals. But there existed absolutely no intimacy of conversation, shared time, spiritual awareness, physical contact, or interest in common beyond the interests of our children and the material requirements of daily life. For me, this bears not even the most remote or distantly abstract similarity to marriage. Hence, I was not married. I was, however, in a relationship of committed necessity born of devotion to the overriding needs and concerns of my two children. And that commitment, that mission, that devotion was the single constant source of joy and satisfaction in my life.

I am now (after forty years of self condemnation borne of ignorance) conscious of the absolute reality that my most basic makeup, my innermost self, the element that drives my emotions, desires, needs, and tastes is, beyond all else, that of a certifiable, unchanging Romantic. This irrefutable fact has been clinically established by years or counseling, testing, and observation; documented and verified through experience. I am, therefore, constantly and perpetually vulnerable to the inclination to intimacy with every person and in every situation in my life. I am romantically predisposed toward life. This is common to all identified… (initially by Hypocrites and then by Aristotle, Plato, and myriad others after them… using differing labels… but all with the same definitions… ) as Idealists. I am one of them.

With this present awareness (which I was not conscious of during the first forty years of my life and was, therefore, left to cope in blind frustration) I can now understand the filter through which all of life’s experience has been known to me. And, furthermore, why I have always been vulnerable to the energies of those with whom I have shared life’s moments. And I would never wish to change even one of those often-painful moments at the cost of denying the Person that I now know and understand… the Person that was specifically created to be… Me.

I write this to breathe a breath of hope and encouragement into the spirit of one who may be struggling with conflicts between their inner senses and the preponderance of voices instructing them in the way that they “should be.” To you, Dear Reader (whoever you are) I say from the depths of my soul, BE who you are… embrace the wonder of who you are… protect and defend the unique and marvelous individual that you are… and patiently, with gentle loving care, help those who share your world with you to know and accept you. This I write in hope and trust in the validity and worth of… you.

John-Michael/19Sep03


IMAGE through the gracious courtesy of imageafter.com

Our "Happiness Element"

The detection of this idea of a “happiness element” (innate core yearning) is one of the precious gifts given to me by Life. To discover that we differ in what makes us happy was a marvelous relief. To know that what satisfies my desires can be (quite naturally) entirely different from others enabled my strengthening my own sense of self worth. When visiting with a prospective employee, passing a stranger walking her dog, a man in a burger shop, a concierge in a building, or even chatting with someone on the telephone, I sense, acutely, the presence or absence of the light of contentment in their eyes or voice. This business of living in harmony, or in conflict with, our yearnings is really that easy to detect. I am not the first, nor, most assuredly, will I be the last to say, “Life is just too short to waste it in even a moment of unhappiness.” but I certainly add my voice to the supporting chorus of “Amen”s.

Thus, I want to offer one of Aristotle’s perspectives on humankind that identifies what makes us happy. Then, later, (as you become more confident in the worth of YOU, and your own individual core desires) you will be comfortable in communicating your core yearnings to your “significant others.”

While our happiness is something often thought of as a petty or inessential consideration, we have only to look as far as the automobile sales advertisements to see that the marketers of these costly commodities have other ideas. Enormous amounts of monies, thought, effort, and energy are spent on addressing this matter of “what it takes to make us happy.” The variety of types, styles, configurations, colors, sizes; (etc., etc.) seems limitless. It is obvious, to even the most casual observer, that our happiness is a matter of great consequence to industry, be it home, clothing, reading, entertainment, transportation, or food, your happiness is a well recognized matter worthy of great consideration. Yet it is far too seldom that we consider the satisfaction of (or even recognition of) our innate palate for happiness.

Our friend, the late Mr. Aristotle, concluded that, of the four basic temperament types, “The mass of mankind” (approximately 76%) finds happiness in either the “acquisition of assets” (38%) or in “sensual pleasure” (38%). The remaining minority (24%) finds happiness in the exercise of “moral virtue”(12%) or in a life of “logical investigation” (12%.) Of each of these four major groups there are four distinct variations that we need not address here. What is, most assuredly, germane here is the decided fact that we are a composition of defined elements… all worthy. Now set in stone the unmitigated fact that your happiness and the wellspring that provides that happiness for you are aspects of the whole of you that you have the responsibility for caring for.

On the side-bar (to your right) you will see a link to the best tool that I know of for your initial discovery of your own “happiness element.” Simply click on “Keirsey Temperament Sorter II” and enjoy a quick quiz.

Remember… Guardian (acquisition of assets); Artisan (sensual pleasure); Idealist (moral virtue); and Rational (logical investigation) are the core relationships that we all share with our innate “yearnings.” Happy discovering!
_______________________

“Now, the end of our desires [yearnings] is God; the act whereby we are joined to Him is basically and substantially our happiness.

But we are primarily united with God by an act of understanding; and therefore, the very seeing of God, which is an act of the intellect, is substantially and basically our happiness.”

St. Thomas Aquinas
(C.1254 AD)

IMAGE Through the gracious courtesy of Jon Sullivan, PDPhoto.org

Honor Your Geometry

Today I take a departure from the norm… and offer an excerpt from Chapter Three of a book in progress in response to current needs brought to my attention by some of my friends… In love…
________________________________________________________

“Forcing SQUARE PEGS into ROUND HOLES is a painful chore. The pain is a result of an unnatural act. SQUARE PEGS are created square and ROUND HOLES were established by design for specific purposes.”
(me)
_________________________________________

“Nothing exists to our minds cognition until it enters
into the realm of our PHENOMENOLOGICAL AWARENESS”
Dr. Alfred Adler
____________________

You and I are not a random assortment of the same thing haphazardly scattered across time and space waiting to be forced into rank and file marching to the same governing drumbeat. We are Divinely and inexplicably created as the particularly unique individuals that we are and placed in a set of circumstances and environments that we could enhance as no other… FOR A REASON.

That fact applies what Dr. Adler said. As a square, or hexagonal, or whatever shape of peg I am, I have a PHENOMENOLOGICAL AWARENESS particular to me. Those needs, circumstances, situations, and priorities that are so unavoidably evident to me do not, in fact, even exist to many of those around me. That is the way that we were created. That is why we need each other. I am aware of what you cannot innately know and you see clearly what I am, naturally, completely unaware of.

And when you accept that reality as fact for yourself, you will be (as I have become) ready to declare “STOP… those edges and corners that are being cut and shaved from me to adapt me to your expectations are valuable parts of my BEing that I am no longer willing to discard in order to fit where I don’t really belong. Now… everyone, in this… my own little world… please know, accept, and respect me for the complete Self that I am and allow me to comfortably compliment you (be it in workplace, family, social group, or religious assembly.) You need me to be Me and I am offering what I am created to provide.”

I ask, Dear Reader, that you please be (should you choose to embark on a course of Self-fulfillment) prepared to develop your character more fully by the active exercise of your patience; for this, in combination with a liberal dose of humor, will be required for a pleasant relationship with all of your “significant others.” Some will be pleased with your personal growth and development while others will register varying degrees of dissatisfaction with the changes in your demeanor and your responses to life’s stimuli. They will be exposed to fewer ONIONSKINS (outer layers of concealing behavior) and more ZIGZAG (the graphic illustration of your innate Temperament Style). Some may reject you outright. This can result in pain that is not lessened by your most noble intentions.

The clearest example of the perils of non-acceptance that I can offer you would be the response of my daughter to my emergence as a changing entity. “You are an embarrassment and a humiliation to me.” she declared several years ago. And though I find it difficult to tell of it (and it wasn’t all that much fun to hear), I feel compelled to relate it to you because of its value as an unimpeachable example. She was harnessing the forces of frustration, anger, disappointment, pain, confusion, and even love to communicate to me her most genuine feelings and thoughts. I was, (and still remain) proud of her for the courage that it took to say those words to my face (and proud of myself for providing an environment in which she felt safe to express herself.)

You can see, therefore, that living your life honestly and consistently can result in losses and even pain. But, please consider… the longer the delay in commencing genuine living, the greater the accumulated potentials for loss. And is this not the major motivation for our living deceptive and disingenuous lives in the first place? Isn’t the fear of loss or rejection the powerful motivation for piling on all of those layers of ONIONSKIN protective behavior.

Therefore, when my wife of twenty years said, in all candor and with full sincerity, “If you will only be who you were when we got married, I will drop the demand for a divorce.” I had to respond “It has cost too much pain, effort, time, and even money to grow to the point where I now am. I can’t even consider regressing to that uncertain, irresponsible, and dependent flake that I was. Our children require more than that of me.” To her credit, (which demonstrated the level of her own self-awareness) she then responded “Well then, I want the divorce.” And so it was and is.

Had we known whom we were (our ZIGZAG) when we first met (as I am encouraging you to discover for yourself) we would never have been drawn to each other. I don’t know, of course, the foundations of your relationships, if there are, in fact, any to consider. But I lay out my own circumstances in the hope that I can demonstrate some points worthy of your consideration.

Firstly, let me explain that I had not even the least understanding of my intentions, motivations, needs, or desires when courting. I was totally inept in the most basic of social, cultural, or indeed personal survival skills. I understand, from today’s point of perspective, that I married the person who was not only physically attractive, but also who had a ready willingness to be in charge of me (and I was unquestionably in need of management.) What I brought to the union was the romantic and social interfacing elements in which I had an unquenchable interest. I was very entertaining. And I was willing to work hard.

As I have previously related, the presentation of a major circumstance in our lives (my son has cerebral palsy) confronted me with the need to develop beyond my, then current, bounds. To be all that his circumstances… and, indeed, he, as a beautiful individual, required for his very best chance for a happy and full life, required that I become the absolute best Me that I could be. This developing, by course, made me less and less dependent and reliant on my spouse. The stronger I became (through much focused and disciplined effort) the more the nature of our initial relationship dynamic changed. Where I was becoming stronger in the world around us the bonds between us became weaker because they were bonds born of dependency and control. This dynamic could have been managed and accommodated had we understood what was in play. But, we were so involved in the basics of day-to-day survival that there was nothing left in us at the end of the day for other considerations. We didn’t have the foundation of understanding of each other’s true self on which to construct a healthy dialogue. We were two strangers walking alone… together.

I suggest, therefore, that a beautiful course of action might have been (in an informed and ideal world) encapsulated in statements akin to “I had no idea that that is what you yearn for, and I’ll bet that you didn’t know that what drives me is _ _ _. How do you suppose we can satisfy your yearnings while pursuing the desires that drive me?” Wouldn’t that theme be a harmonic worthy of pursuit? But our first step toward our ability to enter into such a dialogue must, of necessity, be the identification of those drives, yearnings, and values that are that core ZIGZAG of ours. To do less is to lessen all of the potentialities in every circumstance of our lives.
________________________________________________________

It is with great discomfort and difficulty that I present this excerpt from my book (in progress) to you in this far less sheltered environment. But my awareness of the struggles besetting some of my friends and readers compels me to make available what I hope and trust will be some encouragement and focus for their present moment.

Default Setting... LOVE

Diane asked me a question that I believe has remained unspoken by many who know me. I admire and respect her courage and candor in asking “so are you truly in love with all your readers? do you dislike anyone?” Well… the very nerve! [Yes I am kidding] But the questions are very important ones and deserve more of an answer than my initial response to them. So, here ‘tis.

First, my being “in love with all (of my) readers” is a matter of selective choice. I (just as you) have available to me the full range of possibilities for my response to the lives whose paths intersect mine. And I have made a conscious choice to make my “default setting” for my personal response to the world… LOVE. It really is that simple (as it must be for me to make it… ‘complex’ gives me a headache.)

Yes… (to answer your reflexive question) I have most definitely been hurt… disappointed… abused… taken advantage of… misunderstood… misquoted… (need I go on?) by others in life.
But my choice remains to have my initial response to others set on LOVE. And the rewards for that choice more than outweigh the total weight of all of the accumulated emotional scar-tissue from all of the unhappy occasions (and there have been PLENTY!) of my past. And do not even begin to voice your “well, if you had ever experienced what happened to me” stuff. My “stuff” is as legitimate to my life as anyone else’s is to them. Stinko is Stinko in the nostrils of the individual doing the inhaling. (How’s that for a profundity?)

And what about… rejection? That is probably the biggest fear of all who would entertain the thought of venturing into the land of loving. OK… Yes I have had and still have my loving of others rejected. So what?! Rejection is a valid option for anyone’s election. I respect and easily allow the rejection of my love. I do, after all, offer my love as a gift… not as a preconditioned, expectation-bound, negotiated device. I give it… you are perfectly free to accept, reject, or even ignore the gift… it is, after all, yours to do with as you please. This is the nature of a gift. And the consummate beauty of this gift is that it is self-replenishing. The more that I give… the more is regenerated… FREE!

Second… the other (dislike anyone) question… YES.



IMAGES through the gracious courtesy pf Jon Sullivan, PDPhoto.org

My Dialect

When I speak… I speak in the dialect of my interlocutor.
When I write… I write in the dialect of my soul.


IMAGE: Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

My Desire

When asked, recently, how I would express my heart’s desires to the Person who I thought had the potential to be “That Special Someone” in my life. I gave it thought… and, to Her, I would say this:

I desire…

to read poetry to you and watch your eyelids float to your cheeks in serene rest…

to listen to your breath and sense your peaceful comfort in my presence…

to awaken you with kisses lingering at every line, curve, shadow, and highlight of you from the soles of your feet to the crown of your head…

to greet each new day with the awareness that it is to be another together… you and I…

to listen to my spirit, in a moment of solitude, as it communes with your spirit… wherever you are…

to walk through Life’s gallery applauding, celebrating, and reveling in the beauty of all of Creation… knowing that Life’s masterwork is forever in the chamber of my heart…

to look heavenward and say, oft and joyously, “Thank You!”… at the thought of you…

You to know in every fibre of your existence; in your now and in your forever, that we are One in eternal intimacy.

This is what I desire.


IMAGE:Through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton,FreeFoto.com