Needs versus Desires

I enjoy many wonderful and satisfying friendships with an exciting assortment of unique and delightful individuals who have blessed my life by knowing and accepting me as the person that I am. But, today I think about the absence of what we so lamely refer to as a “Significant Other."

I have discovered that what I want… really, really at the core of me want… in that Relationship of relationships… is to be desired, enjoyed, and appreciated. That doesn’t sound all that difficult, does it? Am I being so very unreasonable or demanding in this appetite? If not, then what doth hinder the realization of this desire? I am of the opinion that the hurdle lies in our world’s system of matching folks up by the “needs” of each other. We function on a needs basis rather than a desire motivation. Survival, not joy, is the stimulus. Thusly, what I offer at the table of economic benefit or social status is of more significance than the person of Me.

It seems to me that we are taught (by our culture) to seek someone who will enable us to know a sense of economic safety, security and status rather than someone who will add an element of embellishment to our already self-determined and independently established sufficiency. And therein lies the seed of discontent in so many relationships all around us.

We are encompassed about with people who have joined themselves to another for purposes of utilitarian and pedestrian necessity… survival… and are left with an unaddressed hunger for happiness, passion, adventure, silliness, and camaraderie. This is a great boon to the travel, entertainment, and recreation industries. For they are increasingly enriched by multitudes who are in relationships of necessity, compromise, and convenience, who seek fulfillment and satisfaction in superficial experiences… because there is no joy in the still quietude of intimate time alone with their partner in daily life. So “where shall we go?“, “what shall we do?”, “how shall we distract, amuse, and entertain ourselves?” become the ever-present questions. A whole lot of Antique collecting, Fishing, Golfing, Craft creation, Bowling, and other diversions are practiced to fill this vacuum. While small are the number of couples who have delight and fulfillment in simply “Being” together.

I am now of the opinion that a “needs-based” relationship is something that is a handicapped form of an undeveloped character and personality. To seek, in another, a means of satisfying a Need, is to construct a situation in which, once there is no longer a “need” for that ’other’… when the need is sated… when security is established…, discontent rises to the surface. Whereas, for us to establish our own security and identity as a self-complete individual … and then open ourselves to the possibility of someone who will add a dimension of celebration, enjoyment, appreciation, and good old desire to our lives… means that that person will be free to be Themselves… unencumbered by any burden of concern for the wholeness of the other person. We are then free to appreciate, celebrate, and enjoy each other for all of our individual qualities and potentials… unencumbered by requirements.

I have spent a goodly number of years addressing myself to the needs of others. There is nothing noble in this. It is, simply, an expression in life-style, of my temperament and personality type… what Myers-Briggs labels as an “INFP”, “Idealist/healer. And, after all the “needs” of all the people who Life has visited upon the scene of my life have been met… Surprise! … they don’t need me any longer. And I am left (you guessed it!)… alone. Now, mind you, I do not for a moment regret, nor have anything but appreciation for the countless opportunities that I have found satisfaction in, as I met the specific needs of others. But it has taken me until this juncture in life to recognize the reality that what was appreciated… what was appealing… what was desired of me… was not Me… but the satisfaction of that particular need present at the particular moment of my being welcomed into the life of that particular person. Embracing me has been (for them) a matter of their “survival”, and met their immediate need.

Now, those friends who I mentioned at the outset of this little treatise, are folk who are well established in themselves. And, for them, I am an enhancement to their already-balanced lives. So we enjoy and appreciate the added gift that our friendship brings to our respective lives. This is the stuff of enjoyable friendships. But, today, I am still yearning for that “special someone” who “has it all together” and finds, in me, that someone who brings a smile of happy and unabashed delight and makes life even richer. And, I will carefully identify and respect those situations of “neediness” and respond to them in appropriate ways. See there… I’m learning.