I have found myself discussing relationships lately. Several friends have raised issues, questions, uncertainties, and dilemmas stemming from what they struggle with in their efforts to define, sustain, and develop what they consider to be their “relationships.” In the vortex of all that society, family, friends, religion, and community offer as definitions and opinions… I tend to want to simplify. And, for me, the most simple place to start defining and understanding something is in the name given it. So I refer to “relationship”... that defining word applied to that thing that we so desperately want to get right.
Re-la-tion-ship/ noun:
1.The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.
Did you notice the repeated use of one word in each of these definitions? There is the presence of a “connection” in all three aspects of relationship mentioned. Telling us that a connection (a “being joined, fastened, or united together”) is integral to the existence of a relationship. Hence, I frequently terminate discussions about supposed relationships by pointing out the often obvious fact that there is no relationship to discuss; inasmuch as there is no "unity, fastening, or state of being joined" existing between the parties in question. “Cold!” you say... I say realistic. Call it what it is… or in those instances… is not. Why beat yourself up with the imposition of a set of expectations and requirements applied to a situation labeled “a relationship” when a simple and honest look at the facts evident would demonstrate the reality that the supposed relationship simply does not exist? The parties do not “relate” (“establish or demonstrate a connection between”) with each other.
Does “going out with”, or being “engaged to be married (betrothed)”, or even being “legally married” establish a relationship? (I can hear the “delete” buttons clicking already) I say "no!" Why do I say "no"? Because I pay attention. I see. I hear. I take note of the countless afore-labeled situations that demonstrate the glaring absence of any connectedness. “Two people walking alone… together” is the quote that applies to far too many who are going about (please pay attention here) DO-ing the stuff, the activities, the scripted performances expected of those in “relationships“… all the while, never BE-ing connected in a dynamic of relating to one another.
So, My Dear Reader, I humbly ask that you… today… in this moment that is ours… you reading what I am writing… stop worrying about how you can “work on your relationship.” Please, I beg of you, look first to the question of your having a relationship within which to “work.” Stop searching for what you can DO to improve something that must BEgin with BEing related… that is being connected (joined, fastened, united.) For, as those of you who are familiar with that old drum upon which I so often beat the cadence of my soul’s message know… this thing, known to us as life, is more about what we BE and far less about what we DO. Remember… we are human BEings not human DOings. So, let us first consider being related; being joined in purposeful and accommodatingly respectful union; being fastened together in an agreed upon oneness of purpose… and then, as life serves up its inevitable assortment of opportunities, we can do those things that are made easier… even pleasurable… in a healthy and joyful relationship.
And a note to those of us (myself certainly included) who catch ourselves all too often envying those about us who are in a relationship. Look again… more closely… and listen to a voice with the scar tissue of experience on its soul… when I ask you “Are they really joined together in a relationship with its fundamentally required unity, or are they two people walking alone together?” And is anything more painful than being that kind of alone?
It all begins with BEing that particularly wonderful individual that you were specifically created to BE. BEgin there.
Unless expressly stated, all original material, of whatever nature, created by J. Michael Brown (John-Michael) and included in this weblog and any related pages, including the weblog's archives is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
15 comments:
Being that kind of alone makes you appreciate finding the right person even more.
Ahhh, Dear Sharon... well said!
I enjoyed reading this, thank you. But as I thought about it, I would ask you, in regards to the criteria of a relationship requiring a connection--defined as "a (“being joined, fastened, or united together”)-- have you considered intangible connections? While duct taping and stapling are absent in most relationships (hmm...), what about the connections of magnetic attractive forces, covalent chemical bonds or weak and strong attractive forces (not that they are in our relationships, but you get the point I hope). "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio.." Just a thought. Lena
Lena, Thank you!
It is precisely those "intangibles" that I am pointing to as the genuine "connections." The "imposed" "Stapling" and Duct taping" of exterior tags applied ("engaged", "going out together", even "married") are what fall so short of our actually "relating " to each other in a meaningful way. For, as you point out, there are indeed "more things" and they must begin with our awareness of what we have within us to contribute to that hoped for relationship. Otherwise... it is all external Do-ing stuff.
I am complimented that you would contribute to this dialogue... Thank you.
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last… more than passion or even sex!”
Simone Signoret
In Daily Mail (4 July 1978)
John-michael,
:-) both the thinking and the writing were my pleasure. I don't venture out much into other's blog spaces, but my stepdaughter sent me the link, and on it I noted your link to Buscaglia, so I paused in your cyber space for a few minutes. Again, I enjoyed it, so thank you. Lena
I just love the way that Life brings the harmony of other voices together to sweeten the music of living! "Thank You Life!" and Thank you, Lena (and Thank you Leo [Buscaglia] for introducing me to the joy of expressing love)
Your quote reminded me a few that I have always liked.
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
Richard Bach
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart. - Leo F. Buscaglia
I am hushed... no more to say beyond... "Amen"
Sharon, thanks. I love both of those authors very much. I began spiritual "teething" on Bach. Now that I have my teeth, I suppose you could consider me a terrior with a rawhide bone...lookout library. Best, Lena
And with my delighted "Thank You" to you, Lena, I encourage all who are inclined toward a refreshing and delightfully enriching perspective on this "relationship" thing, to go to Lena's take on the subject @ http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-VuSDdpclaaP5SwLjjNB0gg--?cq=1 . I don't know when I have enjoyed anything more... Lena, you are a treat!
Thank you. I've noticed from reading through other blogs and posts that you are an encouraging and positive individual. These are good qualities. Bless you for being you, as we are blessed because you are being you. Till later all, enjoy blogging and "good night."
And, with a grateful spirit for the additional "branch" added to my tree of life, I say "Thank you Lena, and good night to you as well."
Thank you for the link to Lena's post. It is quite a unique way of looking at relationships. And I must say that as a science geek I completely understood it.
And thank you John Michael for being willing to share yourself and your thoughts.
My pleasure! And I do mean exactly that... it gives me great pleasure to be in the midst of involved people living life.
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