Sunday, April 12, 2009
The (Sometimes Impaired) Tortoise
I am gifted with a slow wit. My mind is blessed with shackles that do not permit dashes to conclusion, understanding, or expression. I am compelled to know such words as “tarry,” as operative terms for my comfortable functioning in life. I simply must linger, dwell, and know quiet moments of uninterrupted consideration … before I can appropriate an understanding of any setting, concept, hypothesis, theory, encounter, or engagement. This is the core operating Truth that governs the Being of One who is created as a “conceptual” thinker. I must form a concept … “see,” “feel,“ and “sense” the “picture” that lies in every element of life … before I can respond, effectively, to a circumstance, opportunity, or situation.
This is something that I have come to peace with in this world of “multi-tasking,” and hurried business, that denies precious time for stillness. I am a “Tortoise” in our world of exaltation of the “Hares.” If only I had understood this unflinching fact much earlier in my life! Instead, I was (most frequently) labeled, “Lazy” by teachers, family, employers, and some friends. For, you see, my “potential” (as exhibited in I/Q tests, and general functionality in my day-to-day tasks), was not being realized. And no one knew what to do with me. Most importantly … I did not know what to do with me.
Then Life visited a supreme Gift upon me. My son. And I became (through my immersion in his struggles with mental retardation) aware of the marvelous reality … that our brains function quite individually … with their own distinct set of “operating systems.” (If you will) And, unfortunately, those operating systems are just as likely, to be flawed, and hampered, in their functioning, as they are to be enhanced. So … not only are we working with unique and individualized “operating systems,” but we have varying degrees of operational efficiencies in each Individual’s brain. Wow! We are not “cookie cutter” replications of a “standard” set of capabilities! Some of us have learning and functioning challenges that are perfectly OK ... just requiring particular tactics and methods to deal with. This was a tremendously liberating insight for me.
Thusly, I became quite adept at recognizing my son’s abilities … and was able to address each aspect of his life … and its inherent sets of requirements … in the light of what he was naturally equipped to “process.” And, the same was (and is) true for me.
So, My Darling Friend, as I look at your lovely ’comments’ on my blog, and realize that I haven’t the capacity (at that moment) to respond to your thoughts (as I so enjoy doing.) I am at peace with my understanding that I must be patient with my Self. I must wait until I can linger, tarry, and be still with my complete focus on You and your message, alone, before speaking to your Presence. Then, when I am at that Place, I thoroughly enjoy the intimacy and special-ness of actually Being … in spirit and truth … with you through our shared exchange. This is a beautifully sacred reality for me … something that I relish and cherish. It is completely unacceptable, to me, to offer Life’s sweet Gift of our encounter, anything less than all (undistracted and undiluted) of who I am.
In light of all of this, I am permitting all of the mechanisms of my Self to deal with my ever-present Companion in life … dear clinical depression (not the "mood modifying 'Thing,' but the chemical 'functionality-limiting' Thing) … with an understanding that at the end of this particular “bout” I will, once again, return to that place that will permit my immersion in thoughts of You. For, you see, ‘Mister D’ saps those conceptualizing abilities … and leaves scant-little with which to focus and consider, all that a response, to You, deserves. I am not "down" ... just unable to focus, conceptualize, and appreciate the dimensions and scope of new thoughts or ideas. So, I thank You, My Darling Friend, for your patience and understanding with this old Tortoise. I will be back to celebrating your posts ... and responding to your comments on mine ... real soon. [smile]
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