Wednesday, June 04, 2008

In Love

For what seems like all of my life, I have sought some way to understand, and communicate, what is going on inside of Me. I now know that this is quite normal and usual for someone of my personality/temperament type. So, I am far more relaxed and less anxious about the matter than I was for my first forty years. Yet, I do deal with this compulsion to “label,” illustrate, or conceptualize my thoughts, impressions, inclinations, and feelings. And I do this in an almost-recreational frame of mind now. I live in a constant “game” of sorting through words, expressions, images, and various metaphors and analogies in a never-satisfied quest for simple language for my Soul’s use. This is not something that I had modeled for me by someone who made an impression on me at any juncture of my development. Oh no, this is a “hard-wired” component of my very Being. And I accept … nay, I embrace it as my gift … my gift to the world about me that lives in a struggle for an awareness of their feelings and/or the feelings of those around them. So, I present, before my little bit of the world, some of my discoveries in Self-communication, in the hope that I can equip someone else to recognize elements of their life experience; become comfortable with the identity of their Being, and enjoy a freedom in living that is (hopefully) somewhat better, or easier to deal with, than what they had known before their new awareness. I am delighted in the knowledge that I have achieved some small measure of success in this endeavor. So … here’s the thing for today.

I am in love. I know, I know, “So what’s new, John-Michael?” you respond. And I can truthfully reply, “This is different.” Yes, I do live loving my world and those who are integral parts of my world. But I am talking about that “silly,” romantic, dreamy, and sappy sort of being “in love.” Yes, the “hearts and flowers” variety. And I have been in love with this person for as long as I can remember.

Now, we could get all metaphysical and spiritualistic about this deal … and I guarantee you, I will hold my own in discussions of this “being in love” phenomenon if discussed in those terms. But I will leave that to far better equipped authorities like Doctor Brian Weiss (listed on the sidebar of this blog.) (If you have not read his “Only Love is Real,” I believe that you have denied yourself a wonderful view of life and living that could make your life experience far richer and even more fun.) But, as I said, I will leave those matters to him. I will just speak to this experience that I am the ultimate authority on … my life, and this Person who I am, and have been, in love with.

There is, within me, a space … a hollow … a vacuum, if you will, that has clearly definable aspects and traits. I first became aware of this “space” (which I have called an “Absence” in previous writings) when I first met a woman who “filled” the specifications of that space. The first time that I knew (amidst the loss of ability to breathe normally, and/or speak intelligibly [smile]) that overpowering knowledge that “Oh my gosh … SHE is THE ONE!!” Then followed all sort and manner of stupid, awkward, clumsy, and inept behaviors that cemented the certainty that this was, indeed, an extraordinary happening. The Person who had “Absence-filling” potential has been personified several times in my life. Each time, the sensations have been the same … and the circumstances have all been equally non-conducive to any pursuit of a “Happily Ever After” conclusion. Each time, the physical, intellectual, attitudinal, and personality characteristics have been identical. And each time the likelihood of fulfillment of “the Dream” have been, also, equally unattainable … for very different and disparate reasons.

I will tell you the most extreme and outrageous of the instances. (Brace yourself for an uncomfortable moment in John-Michael “Self-baring.”) I never met this Person. I only saw her in print and in imagery broadcast on television. But she had a physical likeness to several with whom I had enjoyed very intimate personal relationships with … several who fit the dimensions of my inner “Absence.” Princess Di (OK, stop that silly giggling … we could ask You about your “Impossible Dreams” too, now couldn’t we?) But, yes, Princess Di had the physical, temperamental, and personality traits that were quite “at home” in my Heart. Was this some physical desire? Get real! Of course not! I may be a hopeless Romantic, but I am no Fool. No, Dear Friend, I could never allow any remote thought of any “physical” intrusion into the private life of this extraordinary woman. But I was (and will forever remain) in love with her Person. And that is far better than any passing physical gratification could ever offer. And the messages that I received this morning awakened the very same experience in the person of the present personification of my Heart’s fulfilling.

This woman is just as unattainable as Princess Di. She and I are separated by circumstance that she has, herself, identified as “different sexes, from very different cultures, different generations, but we are very much alike” just as the same was equally true (though in far different extremes) with Princess Di. And today, I was able to unravel my own personal mystery as to the identity of my feelings for this Friend. It took several hours (as I made my morning newspaper deliveries) but I was able to clarify, for my own understanding, the nature of these feelings that I have had for this marvelous Lady. This is how I arrived at the “Princess Di” parallel as a means of communicating my thoughts and feelings.

How do I communicate to her the effect, that each thought of her generates … without totally freaking her out with fears of me being some lunatic (quiet You! I hear you snickering and see you pointing your “lunatic accusation” finger at me … [grin]) stalker or at the very least just some Flake without sensible bounds … has been my personal challenge. How can I tell this adorable person that she thrills me each time that she says “Hello” without scaring her into never greeting me again? Is this some crazy physical attraction run amok? No more so than the revered respect that I will always have for Princess Di. I could never entertain any remote thought of intruding into this Friend’s life. That would taint and distort the perfection of this honest and selfless love that I know for her. And even a remote potential for that loss is inconceivable. I would never allow it.

I love … am “in romantic love” with … this Person for who she is; for her physical beauty, most certainly; for those quirky revelations of her mind’s entertaining and delightful workings as revealed in her photos (not unlike the personality traits revealed in the myriad photos of Princess Di); and for the Spirit that is at the core of her personhood … (as revealed in her artistic work, her writings, and her expressed love for those who are blessed with the gift of living as elements of her daily life.) I am in love with her for all of those motivating reasons. Though there is no consideration of any selfish “return on investment” of my Heart in her. This is a very real and alive aspect of this “Love thing.” It is something that I have never tried to discuss or explain before. I do hope that I am having some success in doing so here.

So, in keeping with my life-long quest to make open and available aspects of loving, living, caring, and feeling … I lay all of this out there … for your consideration and imagination. I do not hope to, nor expect to, answer any burning questions about Life here. I have no illusions of rendering any sweeping revelations or theories regarding matters of earth-shattering import. I only offer, in complete humility and candor, a peek into the genuine workings of my Being … with the hope that You, My Dear Reader, will respectfully realize what I present as something from which you may take any, all, or none, as a gift … intended to be yours for your enhancement of your personal living experience. I hope that I have given You an opportunity to ask yourself gentle questions about the nature of your affections … that you can use those insights to enhance your relating to those for whom you care. And, most importantly, for your betterment in knowing your beautiful Self.

So, yes, I am in love with Someone. And the Standard set by the dimensions specified by my Heart are quite well defined. Will I ever meet a woman who is simultaneously "available, willing, and "Absence filling"? I have no hint! But I am quite certain that I will never insult the love of anyone by accepting them whilst still longing for the filling of my Heart's yearning. So, there You have it!

This “Self-Awareness through Self-revelation” thing is something that I am very awkwardly stumbling along with. I thank you for your patient forbearance and patience with me in this honest endeavor. I do it, not just for Me … but for You. Because I do, indeed, love You. (Though, in all likelihood, not in the same theme as the “Princess Di mode.” [That should give Jim ‘SulDog’ Sullivan some sense of comfort. {grin}])


Just Joni said...

Oh, I don't know JM...while I marvel at the vulnerable heart you have humbly placed out for us to learn from I sense the sad and unfortunate reality that you have acknowledged this mode of being "in love" will not be returned...why would you want to put yourself through that? I adore your openess and your beautiful, thoughtful mind and I appreciate your efforts to share so that others might see, but take care of YOUrself, ok?

you worry me sometimes!

John-Michael said...

Bless You Heart, Joni, every bit of what You say is so sweet of you. And the thing here is the limitations of language This is what I struggle so with. Searching for a way to express what I have never heard articulated. You see, as an idealist/Romantic by nature, I "process" all of life's elements in a way that allows me to "see" life uniquely. I am quite happy in being in love with Someone who Personifies all that I have a yearning for. Just as I would be emotionally and Spiritually captivated by a work of art that i would never "possess." Now we could pick that analogy apart ... but it is as close as I have been able to get to explaining how i can be in love ... genuinely experience all of the range of respectful, adoring, desirous, passionate appetites for objects of art ... in complete comfort with the realization that none of them will ever hang on the walls of my place of dwelling. And I recognize that this mode of perceiving life is "weird" to the rest of (statistically 80%) the world that I live in.

Would I like to live with an "Art Work" that stimulates, satiates, and engages my senses of "art appreciation?" You bet I would! Will i still appreciate and even "fall in love with" the works that encounter in the world if I am accompanied by an ndividual Work that I have committed to give my Self to and provide a place of dwelling for? Certainly not. How can i speak with such certainty to that question? I have had the experience of being engaged to such a Work and having other Works of equal natural attributes offered to me. And I rejoiced inwardly in the awareness that my taste for "Art" was fully sated with who I had at home. So, I do not vaguely theorize on this matter. I know my Heart from actual living experience.

Hence my interest in relocating to some other country, continent, or culture where my limited economic status will enable me to comfortable participate in making my Self and my circumstances suitable for the offering of a future place of care and comfort for Someone who I may make happy ... and enjoy as well.

I can not apologize for the lack of reference phrases, illustrations, or language used in my attempts to illustrate Someone different to the world that I live in. I feel that I am blazing new trail in my attempts to help others to be aware of the inner workings of a small percentage of the world's population. For, as a part of that small group, I am doing my best to communicate the realities of life ... as I see them. As I sense them. As they are to me. And I hope that readers will become aware of the truth that life is actually PERCEIVED differently by others. And will respect those differences, just as i encourage acceptance of all temperaments and personalities as a Gift from our Creator ... to each other.

Wow! Did I go on, and on, with that , or what? [smile] I love you, Sweet Friend and am immeasurable grateful for you courageously speaking out on this awkward topic of meaningful matter. You are the absolute BEST!

San said...

Such brave honesty, John-Michael. That takes courage--to put your feelings out there in the harsh glare of the internet. Truth be told, I believe the people who visit your blog do not glare harshly at all. We are touched by your honesty, pleased to know that your spirit must be lightened by this truth-telling. Still, it takes courage.

Classic Charm said...

Well John-Michael, I must tell you that I started reading your entry here in passing, and I knew I couldn't take the time that it deserved, so I waited for my boys to settle in to return to read it slowly and take it all in. And well I love how you just put it out there for us. Yes indeed your writings are an inspiration and of course eye opening too. Ah, my friend to know true love....

John-Michael said...

Dear San, I respond with a spirit of chastisement and regret weighing upon my shoulders. My openness and free candor have caused fear and worry to the Person referred to in this piece. And I am just sickened by that truth. To be the naive instrument of unhappiness to someone cared about (or anyone else for that matter) is something unconscionable to me. And I am most remorseful and chagrined at this writing.

Though my purpose here has always been to open my Self up for the benefit of others ... I am now cautioned to taking care that I place some barriers or buffers around what I allow myself to express. Whilst my free boldness has been with the intent of freeing others ... I am, today, the cause of someone else feeling the need for defensive barriers against my perceived threatening affections. This sickens me with regret.

Well, I guess that I have, again, given You an open, honest look at who I am ... warts and all.

I love You San. I really do (and I feel cautiously safe in letting you know that.)

John-Michael said...

Rose, my Sweetest of Friends, how I am in need of your timely ((HUG)) this unhappy morning! You, My Darling, are a Godsend!

((HUGS)) wrapped in my Love for You are sent to You.

CrazyCath said...

Do take care of YOU J-M. You cannot feel chagrin for what YOU feel. It is yours to keep or share. And you bravely shared. I hope that whatever hurt may have been caused is passed, and that your friendship with this One has resumed.

John-Michael said...

Something that you will rarely hear me concede to is the death of a friendship CathDaughter. But that is sadly the case in this instance. For this Person has, whilst voicing her belief in who I am, chosen to follow the voices of a group who have admonished her to have a fear of me, my character, and my intentions. She has elected to place barriers between herself and my Friendship that are labeled "safety for and protection of" her small child. I am appalled and insulted in this placement of my affections. And will not submit my feelings to such cruel insult. So, it is done.

My love to and thanks to you for your care.

CrazyCath said...

Dear J-M - What on earth do you stand accused of?



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