Different Stars

So, what makes it do difficult to bridge the gap of understanding, and communicate the values and desires of one’s Self. I suggest that one of the key difficulties is language. Oh yes!… we speak the same native tongue. But the dialect of our inner Person is far more often differing from that of the one with whom we desire understanding. I offer one word as example… wife. In my experience, I was to have a wife; her intent was to be a wife.

Now, in those short statements of intent lurk implied role expectations. I was (in “having a wife”) to take responsibility for… possess… ‘have’, as an appendage, a wife. In my unstated (to either myself or her) inner expectations, her status as "Wife" was a mere formality that gave social and religious license to our living together and enjoying life as Lovers. She was (through the lens of her perception) to be vested with certain power… authority… responsibility… rank and position…station suited to a matriarchal entity. I had no idea as to what she considered a "wife" to be…for I (in fact) had no desire to have a "wife", but (as previously stated) a lover. It was my mistaken belief that I would be marrying my Lover and romance would then be our ongoing daily experience in playful exuberance. (Are you getting the feeling here that I was in no way ready for marriage?) She, on the other hand, saw “wife” as a position of responsibility for the establishment of a well-appointed and socially inviting home. I now (thanks to an understanding of temperaments and personality styles) know that the happiness of my inner spirit is in romance while her happiness is to be found in structured and ordered roles in physical and social surroundings. But, at the time of our marriage… neither of had a clue as to these truths.

All of this… and we are only considering one word… one word that encompasses an enormous spectrum of life-determining definitions and perspectives… one word that sets the mood, the tone, the atmosphere for relationship, environment, and behavior in societies, cultures, communities, and laws of government throughout the world. This one word… wife… in our mental vocabulary is but a small installment in systems of functioning that shape lives around the globe. The way that the word ’wife’ is understood and responded to in every home of every community, of every country, on every continent determines the nature of entire cultures. So with the seemingly overwhelming scope of this one word multiplied by the many words that shape our thinking and our behavior… how would I dare suggest that we approach such a weighty subject as a “Life Vocabulary?”

It is my suggestion that we begin by honoring with respectful appreciation the importance and significance of our language, and carefully taking the first simple step of acknowledging, to each other, the accepted fact that, while we may all be using the same words… they can, and will mean something entirely different to each of us. And no definition is the “right” one at the expense of another being the “wrong” one. For, as alluded to earlier, our inherently understood definitions are determined by the blending of our inborn temperament type with the cultural norms of our respective societies molded by our individual familial standards.

But the core of our understanding is always founded by the silent but always-present personality as has been acknowledged by the notes of Hypocrites, Plato, and Aristotle through the more recent Jung and Myers. Our own individual values, motives, drives, desires, and inclinations are the most fundamental foundation for the formation of our Personal Life Vocabulary for it is the Inner Us that interprets the input of the exterior influences on our concepts of life. So it behooves us to insist that those with whom we wish to live in harmony take the time and make the effort to paint expansive pictures of what they mean by what they say… and that we LISTEN!

All of this having been said, it is absolutely natural… even predictable… that, in my marriage, my wife saw her role and my role as one set of expectations… while my hopes and desires were completely foreign to her. WE WERE NAVIGATING TO DIFFERENT STARS. That the “marriage” lasted for twenty years and was (compared to the surrounding norm) harmonious and functional (in the eyes of our children, family, and friends) is a testament to our combined commitment to that goal. It is my sincere hope and determined intention that the candid presentation of this subject be of benefit to you, My Dear Reader, in your own daily walk. For we are in this together… and you and I and Love can make that walk a more satisfying and pleasant experience. You just watch! You will see.


IMAGE: CNN/ NASA