Exchanged Unknowns

So there we stood… before the minister and in the company of friends and family… using the approved words and phrases to indicate to each other, and to all of those in attendance, our mutually agreed upon resolve to be to and for each other all that the mysteries of marriage secure. Now… if you find yourself, upon reading the preceding sentence, scratching your head in doubt as to “what did he just say?”… you have the smallest insight into how uncertain the whole “exchanging of vows” was for us then and still is for countless others today.

“I, John-Michael, take you…” “YOU?” How in the name of all that is even remotely reasonable did I ever conceive an idea of who she was? On what basis did I presume to know her perceptions of life? What were her yearnings? What did she most value being? What did the innermost Her seek for satisfaction? Above all else, what did she most prize? To what did she aspire? What element of life experience did she most trust?

Was I “taking HER” or was I accepting her as the personification of someone who had the likely potential to fill my set of unspecified and as-yet unknown expectations? And did she not stand there, next to me, equally ill-equipped to take “ ’til death do us part” vows. Were we not playing out an expected and socially-correct performance that (in the terms of the old Farmer’s vernacular) amounted to each of us buying a “pig in a poke” (sight unseen and unknown) with the hopeful fantasy that (by some magical means) would mysteriously blossom into some vaguely imagined state of blissful satisfaction?

“The spirit is the true self”
Cicero (MarcusTulliusCicero[106-43 BC])

Truth be told… we lied!… to ourselves, each other, and to all those in attendance. I did not… could not… take HER for I had not even the most remote clue as to who she was. And the same was true, in spades, for her. She saw me as the malleable raw material to be shaped, in my willingness and by her will, into her unspecified mold of expectations. And I fantasized that she would blossom into the satisfaction of all of my unspoken (and, indeed, unknown) desires. We were not married… we were signed on for a pressure-packed test drive and knew nothing whatsoever about either the vehicle or the course to be negotiated. And there are many reading this account right now who can relate… very intimately… to the situation. For the exceptions to this account are painfully few.

So… stepping back from the intensity of the illustration and folding our metaphorical hands in reflection… what makes it so difficult to bridge the gap of understanding and communicate those values and desires that indwell each of us? And, mind you, these miss-communicated and miss-understood arrangements are just as present in relationships entered into other than marriage. We all carry a set of expectations into social, political, and career relationships borne of our presentation of ourselves tailored to satisfy the expectations of whomever we are “selling” ourselves to. We take that job expecting that there will be satisfactions for us in its opportunities. And our employer accepts us with an unstated agenda that places unspecified expectations on us. This holds true of friendships and alliances of all sorts and description throughout our lives.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
William Shakespeare(1564-1616)Hamlet(1601)

I am reminded of the last interview that I subjected myself to prior to my decision to exit the Financial Services industry. The interview was with a large international investment firm and I was speaking with their head of Human Resources. I remember distinctly his look of incredulity when I answered his questions relating to just who I was… what strengths I possessed and what weaknesses I was aware of. He had an obvious degree of doubt when I spoke with specificity to both ends of the spectrum of my abilities and informed me that a day spent with the firm’s psychologist would clarify and codify those issues with a workable degree of clarity. Upon my return, the following week, (and with the summarized reports from their in-house psychologist in hand) he showed absolute wonder and amazement as he declared his astonishment with the accuracy of my earlier description of that package that was Me. “I have, never before, known anyone who has known so well, and presented so candidly, a portrait of themselves in an interview.” he declared. And I acknowledged the fact that I had invested much time, effort, and expense in reaching a point where I could do just that. But I knew then, and know now that there are a very rare few who find the encouragement and support that I allowed myself in that quest.

“Know thyself”
Ascribed to: Plato, Pythagoras, and Socrates

But I tell you, My Dear Reader, of this so that you may know that… with certainty.. You can attain that level of comfort with, confidence in, and peace with just exactly who you too, are created to be… just as you are… no improvements, modifications, or reconstructions required. In the next installment of the development of this thought, I will explore, with you, some easy and attainable methods for easier, more comfortable, and more honest communication between yourself and your “Significant Others” in all arenas of your life. Until then, I remain, as always, Your faithful friend and willing servant,

John-Michael