Relationships

I have found myself discussing relationships lately. Several friends have raised issues, questions, uncertainties, and dilemmas stemming from what they struggle with in their efforts to define, sustain, and develop what they consider to be their “relationships.” In the vortex of all that society, family, friends, religion, and community offer as definitions and opinions… I tend to want to simplify. And, for me, the most simple place to start defining and understanding something is in the name given it. So I refer to “relationship”... that defining word applied to that thing that we so desperately want to get right.

Re-la-tion-ship/ noun:
1.The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.

Did you notice the repeated use of one word in each of these definitions? There is the presence of a “connection” in all three aspects of relationship mentioned. Telling us that a connection (a “being joined, fastened, or united together”) is integral to the existence of a relationship. Hence, I frequently terminate discussions about supposed relationships by pointing out the often obvious fact that there is no relationship to discuss; inasmuch as there is no "unity, fastening, or state of being joined" existing between the parties in question. “Cold!” you say... I say realistic. Call it what it is… or in those instances… is not. Why beat yourself up with the imposition of a set of expectations and requirements applied to a situation labeled “a relationship” when a simple and honest look at the facts evident would demonstrate the reality that the supposed relationship simply does not exist? The parties do not “relate” (“establish or demonstrate a connection between”) with each other.

Does “going out with”, or being “engaged to be married (betrothed)”, or even being “legally married” establish a relationship? (I can hear the “delete” buttons clicking already) I say "no!" Why do I say "no"? Because I pay attention. I see. I hear. I take note of the countless afore-labeled situations that demonstrate the glaring absence of any connectedness. “Two people walking alone… together” is the quote that applies to far too many who are going about (please pay attention here) DO-ing the stuff, the activities, the scripted performances expected of those in “relationships“… all the while, never BE-ing connected in a dynamic of relating to one another.

So, My Dear Reader, I humbly ask that you… today… in this moment that is ours… you reading what I am writing… stop worrying about how you can “work on your relationship.” Please, I beg of you, look first to the question of your having a relationship within which to “work.” Stop searching for what you can DO to improve something that must BEgin with BEing related… that is being connected (joined, fastened, united.) For, as those of you who are familiar with that old drum upon which I so often beat the cadence of my soul’s message know… this thing, known to us as life, is more about what we BE and far less about what we DO. Remember… we are human BEings not human DOings. So, let us first consider being related; being joined in purposeful and accommodatingly respectful union; being fastened together in an agreed upon oneness of purpose… and then, as life serves up its inevitable assortment of opportunities, we can do those things that are made easier… even pleasurable… in a healthy and joyful relationship.

And a note to those of us (myself certainly included) who catch ourselves all too often envying those about us who are in a relationship. Look again… more closely… and listen to a voice with the scar tissue of experience on its soul… when I ask you “Are they really joined together in a relationship with its fundamentally required unity, or are they two people walking alone together?” And is anything more painful than being that kind of alone?

It all begins with BEing that particularly wonderful individual that you were specifically created to BE. BEgin there.

4th of July at Saint Joseph's Emergency Room

Many of you know of my retirement plans. For two specific reasons, I plan to make my residence outside of the USA. The first reason is purely economic. I can not afford to live here with any measure of dignity on the retirement income that will be mine. The second reason is my disillusionment, even discouragement, with the state of the growing mean-spirited, self-focused, unkind, materialistic, disrespectful and generally fractious atmosphere that pervades our culture. I want out! I want kindness… consideration… respect… care… gentleness… even harmony in the last decades (if I am so blessed) of life on this orb. Well… brace yourself… I had an “out of reality” experience today that was initiated by Elaine (my ’gift from Life’ sister) when she showed up at my front door and asked “Can you please take me to the hospital right now?” And here is what unfolded.

We went to Saint Joseph’s Hospital’s emergency room. Now all of you are thinking what I was thinking… “This is going to be a complete pain in the… well in every conceivable place.” I was certain (based on recent experiences with my Dad’s hospitalizations and news accounts of mergers of hospitals to improve corporate “bottom lines”) that we would be cast onto some industrial-style “conveyer belt” of herding through excruciatingly frustrating forms to be filled, uncomfortable seats to be sat in while enduring the interminable waiting… and waiting… and more, and more (you know… just what you expected when I mentioned “HOSPITAL.”)

Surprise!… Surprise! We were met at the entrance (you heard me correctly… THE DOOR!) to the emergency room by a courteous and engaging staff member who asked the nature of our need. And REALLY focused on us and displayed genuine interest and concern. Well, I must say that I was quite taken aback. We were then handed off to a person behind the desk who was… I hope that you are seated… efficient, and gracious… I know… knock me over with a feather! We were escorted with a group of three other patients, through several sections of the emergency department with each patient being deposited in their respectively appropriate place, with Elaine and I ending up in the CDU (Clinical Decision Unit.) It was there that we were to spend some six hours while the staff tried to discover the genesis of Elaine’s pain. And it was here that I received the blessing of having my cup of appreciation and admiration filled to overflowing.

Let me start with what I learned about Andrew (a gift from Poland)(learned solely through observation and only the briefest of verbal interaction.) Andrew is a professional health-care giver (I know neither his title nor his level of professional education or rank… I would surmise that he (at minimum) is a registered nurse or nurse-practitioner). He has an uncanny gift of being able to focus on some intensely demanding document or form whilst being completely in tune with all of the dynamics of an ever changing environment all about him… and responding to that environment with efficient and compassionate care and humanity. He earned my unbridled admiration and respect within the first of what was to be many hours of observing him in action. Humor without pandering, care without pampering, efficiency without disattachment, all are tools wielded with aplomb by him. If ever I had to choose one individual to face a challenge with, I would choose an Andrew.

Then there was Angie… a registered nurse (of fifteen years [if I recall correctly]) at St. Joseph’s Emergency Room. Angie struck me, initially, as somewhat detached from the ebb and flow of the combined energies of that section of the operation… then I began to understand the reason for the “detachment.” Angie was embroiled in a battle with an unknown assailant trying to steal away the life of the patient just on the inside of the door that Elaine’s bed was parked outside of (there seemed to be a rather full house and each room had a bed outside of it that was occupied as well.) The lady inside of that room was in a battle with death, and Angie had allied herself with that woman to fight the best of possible fights against the unknown weapon being used against that lady. I watched, and listened, as Angie discussed with other staff possible tactics and methods (responding to many suggestions with “I’ve already tried that.” It was obvious to me that this was someone who was determined to leave no stone unturned in searching for a remedy to the lady’s (Angie referred to her as “My Patient”… not a room number or formal last name… but a very personal “My Patient“) decline. When the Adversary ultimately won, all eventually left the lady’s room… save Angie… for a long time. When she emerged, it was in tears… tears that were with her in despondent and agonized loss until Elaine and I left. Here was a woman… a trained and committed professional… who genuinely cared. I heard her say “She begged me all morning to not let her die” and I knew, without question, that Angie gave every measure of herself to meet the request of that woman… “Her Patient.”

And all the while, I watched others of that facility's staff, go about their calling with concern for and involved interest in the needs not only of their charges… but each other. The nurse who reassured Angie that she need not be concerned about medical charts that required her attention during the time that she had her focus demanded by the needs of a woman facing the ultimate conflict. This unnamed nurse told Angie that she had attended to the administrative requirements for her, and that there was no need for concern. Un-asked… just sensitive to and caring for another. And at the center of all of this meshing of operational gears… in the midst of a quietly humming mechanism of intricately blended personalities, talents, needs, egos, and responsibilities was a man of Gibraltar qualities who moved smoothly from one situation to the next with near-invisibility. He moved within an environment of unstated, but clearly evident respect from each participant in that symphony of instruments known as the CDU. So unassuming was he that I had to enquire as to who, exactly, he was and what his official status was. As I had surmised, he was the conductor of the orchestration that was meeting the needs of so many people in so many varied ways today. He is Doctor Lyon. An Emergency Room Physician who has chosen a professional path, that he has served in for thirty years, ministering to the physical requirements of every imaginable sort and kind of individual with every imaginable (and some unimaginable) variety of health complaint. No “Specialist” he. No pedestal does he look down on the throngs from. He is at the heart of the day-to-day fray, balancing all of the resources available against all of the demands brought against those resources. An amazing man who spoke to us with involved interest, intelligence, humanity, and care. How refreshing!

So, today, in the midst of this cultural desert of uncaring, unconcerned, self-absorbed Me-ness… I found an unlikely oasis. I drank from a well-spring of refreshing compassion and genuine concern. (Made more real and less metaphorical by Angela… who came by several times during our visit and asked if she could get us any refreshment, more comfortable chair for me, blanket for Elaine. Thank you Angela for the cranberry juice.) My parched spirit was relieved by the shade of caring hands outstretched to unknown strangers seeking relief. I am renewed by a visit to the little outpost known to our community as St. Joseph’s Hospital Emergency Room. And, for the first time in a very long while… I am encouraged about… us!

I thank you Saint Joseph’s Hospital Emergency Room Staff… named and un-named… all.

Your admiring and inspired Friend and Servant, John-Michael


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Jon Sullivan, PDPhotos.org

The "Rear-View Mirror" Couple

Back in another time and in another space… my children listened to me. They were still what we like to call “impressionable.” And I was aware of the limited window of opportunity that was mine to influence the formation of their life values and sense of perception. So I played little games with them. One of those games involved counting and involvement. As we rode along, in the car, together, I would challenge them to count the faces of passing motorists (passengers and drivers included), pedestrians, and persons engaged in any endeavor. One limitation… the face had to be smiling to count.

My intention was to get them to involve themselves in noticing and evaluating passing life. We would then award the “winner” title to whomever had counted the largest number of smiling faces. The game was VERY short lived. We could find so few smiling people, that searching for them became a discouraging chore. People driving together were not smiling. People walking together were not smiling. People working were not smiling. People alone, in groups, passing each other, or talking with each other were not smiling.

I tell you this story to illustrate my own involvement in noticing the demeanor of the world that I pass through. Hence the story of the “Rear-View Mirror Couple” that I eluded to in a previous writing. You have asked that I recount this encounter with you… so, here ‘tis.

As I slowly progressed through one of the busiest intersections in our community, I noticed the couple in a modest mid-sized sedan that turned the corner and took up position behind my car. There was something irregular about them. Curious, I watched them (in my Rear-View Mirror) as we drove slowly along. It was the most beautiful thing. These mature, and obviously well-ensconced in a long relationship, people were enjoying each others’ company. There was that air of “first-date” engagement in each other that was displayed in a quiet, comfortable, and completely natural way. I was so taken with their extraordinary harmony of inter-relating that I found myself enchanted. When it became evident that we were headed for the same grocery market, I decided to speak to them. As they parked and make their way to the store, I remained in my vehicle in a position that necessitated their passing.

“Please forgive my intrusion, My Friends” I spoke from my car’s window “but I could not help but notice the lovely inter-play between the two of you as you rode together in your car. Your obvious affection for and enjoyment of each other compels me to thank you both for encouraging my heart and making better the world that I live in. Bless you both.” I then returned their smiles and quick expression of thanks while slowly driving away (to reassure them that I did, indeed, respect their right to privacy and security.) I did not see them again until something around a year later.

On that occasion, I, again, looked into my rear-view mirror… and there they were. Now, mind you, there had, in the interim, been myriad faces in the view of that mirror. But these two… these among the certainly hundreds and possibly thousands that I had seen there… stood out like that well-clichéd lighthouse on the shore. And, as before, I could not let the opportunity to let them know that they had touched someone‘s heart pass. So, inasmuch as the traffic light had just turned red, I told my son (my passenger on the occasion... and well-accustomed to Dad's spontaneous expressions) that I would be back directly, and got out. Quickly moving to the driver’s window, I expressed my sentiments and turned to leave… whereupon, I heard the lady exclaim “Oh Dear… it’s the “BEING ME” (the license number that I chose for my vehicle) guy!” It pleased me that they recalled our earlier meeting as we exchanged farewells and I hurried back to my car.

So, what in all of this is of value to you at this reading? A few considerations. First… there are, sadly, so few in our world that share obviously healthy and openly dynamic relationships that they are easily spotted. Secondly… there is hope and encouragement to us all that there is possibility for just such a blessed union. Then, there is the encouragement, that I offer you, to do what I prompted my children (and frequently demonstrated before them), so many years ago, to do. Pay attention to your own world… notice… care… involve yourself… speak the message that Life puts in your heart (lest you have one of those frustrating “I wish that I had” moments later.) Encourage! This is something that every one of us can do. And allow yourself to reflect on the You that is projected into that environment effected by you. Is there a joy within you that is obvious to your world? If “yes” I celebrate with you… If “no” you have my heart’s wish that you discover where that joy lies… and claim it!

No sermon here. Just an opportunity to consider.


IMAGES (Top to Bottom): Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com;R&K4everloved_TheLensFlare; Anonymous (They know that I consider them a "Rear View Mirror" couple)

Love, Adoration, and Romance

Love: A feeling of strong personal attachment induced by a sympathetic understanding or by ties of kinship.

Adore: To feel or express reverent admiration for; to regard with fervent devotion and affection; to idolize.

This whole thing with me is about Adoration…not love. Do I love you? Of course I can have a feeling of strong personal attachment to you. You have presently or in the past instilled a sense of understanding and kinship in me. But do I adore you? Ahhh… there is a question that goes to another place entirely.

Must I be inspired, energized, motivated, even awestruck by my love for you? I think not. The awareness of my love for you may compel me to behavior only because of a sense of obligation or responsibility or some other uninspired yet worthy dictate of conscience. What cranks my motor… charges my batteries… launches my rocket... is Adoration. Give me only that and I will be with you more than you could ever have dreamed. I maintain that that is what was asked in “Fiddler on the Roof” when the question was posed (by the lead character, of his wife); “Do you love me?” What the character really wanted to know was “Do you adore me?”

Hence, it is my deduced conclusion, drawn from very personal experience, that what have, in my past, been encounters of mutual enchantment have encompassed neither the personal attachment of love, nor the fervent devotion of adoration. While on a pedestal of prominence, popularity, power, or influence, I may have been what was desired... I was fleetingly Enchanting (if you will.) Then, when brought down to the level ground of rational intimacy, with all of my foibles exposed, the option of Me didn’t look as appealing as it had before.

Just as the performer on film, or stage looks so desirable… then offstage the performer is seen as a person… not an icon, I have known (in many past circumstances) the attentions of admirers. Then, with the onset of recognition of the mortal Me, cold logic and personal agendas were applied and the scales of overall life preferences exerted influence much more heavily than those on the side of intangible fancy. While I may have inspired a momentary “WOW!” factor… I did not establish that more preferred and quietly elusive (and whispered) “oh my!“ of appreciation. And it is for that shared sigh of blissful recognition… that reverential gaze of wonder that I wait. That reflexive adoration expressed by two lovers mutually worshiping each other in an idolatry expressed in inspired union. This is what I hunger for. For it is my conviction that adoration is the life-blood of a living and thriving romance. And I am, undeniably, a romantic.

So, “Why share all of this with me?” you ask. Certainly not to present answers...but to, instead, place considerations… definitions… perspectives in new unused vocabulary… before you. To offer you exposed thoughts and feelings that you would otherwise not bring to the surface of your awareness. To allow you to explore and discover fresh vistas of yourself that will peel back curtains of uncertainty that have, heretofore, not allowed you to appreciate all of your capabilities. To breathe into you a fresh breath of living borne of awareness of more of your Self. This is my desire for you, Dear Reader. That you will “Know Thyself” better through your consideration of this gift of my little reflections. Enjoy!


IMAGE: Mary Russell, BBC

Tea Time

I am taking liberties with the traditions of “tea time.” I am indulging myself in a tall mug (yes… I know, “How crass”) of Chai (a blend of black teas, , nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, clove, cardamom, rum, and gingerbread.) To which I have added a touch of honey, and a dollop of ‘Friend’ Courvoisier.

Here, on the threshold of a holiday weekend (4th of July [independence declaration 1776... For my Friends not acquainted with USA tradition]), I opted to set aside the work that I had intended for today (just too ‘bombastic’ for my present mood) and allow my feelings to take charge.

So, Dear Reader, I invite you to join me in a moment of quietude and simple bliss as we share a work by Robert Browning. Enjoy… please.

Summum Bonum
Robert Browning
(Born 7 May 1812; died 12 December 1889)

All the breath and the bloom of the year
in the bag of one bee:

All the wonder and wealth of the mine
in the heart of one gem:

In the core of one pearl all the shade
and the shine of the sea:


Breath and bloom, shade and shine,…
wonder, wealth, and… how far above them…

Truth, that’s brighter than the gem,
Trust, that’s purer than pearl,…

Brightest truth, purest trust in the universe…
all were for me…

In the kiss of one girl.


With my heart and care to you, Dear Reader, “Cheer”
Your constant Friend and Servant, John-Michael


IMAGES: Bee: Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com, Gem: Public Domain

Presumptions and Potentialities

My marriage jumps to the fore in my consideration of major life presumptions. Now please bear with me here… I know that, in the light of today’s understandings, this is going to seem to be outrageously naïve and perhaps even a bit (dare I say) stupid. But I did truly believe that we all have the same inborn yearnings. It was my unspoken, never-discussed, somehow gut-level conviction that the feelings and desires that were mine were universally shared by all human beings. I was convinced that if I set the stage, created the atmosphere, permitted the dynamic to spontaneously happen… romance would erupt in my marriage. I was wrong.

I was not misinformed… I was uninformed. I had absolutely no information… no education… no hint of the dramatic differences between the four major groups of human beings (forget the more subtle variations between the sixteen subgroups.) I was ignorant of the existence of the absolute reality of different temperament types and personality profiles. And I am writing now in the awareness that most of those reading these words are becoming aware of those differences for the first time.

I believed that the restraint exercised by my betrothed prior to marriage was an expression of her religious convictions. Again, I was wrong… as was graphically demonstrated on our wedding night. For her, the time of courtship was over and the business at hand was the commencement of the building of all of the accouterment of a family and a home. That time of playful teasing and romantic overture had served its purpose and there was the more serious business of the next level of adult behavior… that of ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ were to commence. You see, Dear Friend, my bride knew and was completely comfortable with who she was.

And that person, for her, is what Aristotle identified as the ‘proprietari’ or one whose focus is on the procurement and protection of the ‘things’ (or properties) of life. This is the natural and appropriate function-set for those known to Kinsey as the ‘Guardians.’ I, on the other hand, was clueless as to my own identity. I had spent the first twenty-two years of life in the accommodation of the ‘audience’ around me… tailoring myself to meet the needs, expectations, desires, and tastes of whomever had, at that moment, my focus. Hence, as what I later learned was part and parcel of my Idealist temperament, I was constantly involved in ‘healing’ that individual’s self-need of the moment.

Thus, I never gave any consideration to what was at the core of me. I really thought that what I felt… everybody felt. What I desired… was the desire of all. I interpreted the wedding night as a happening that I had failed to set the tone, or the environment for. I was, therefore, entering the (allow the metaphor) fires of marriage completely unaware of the fact that my bride wished for the comfort of the structure of ‘Marriage’… yearned for the belonging associated with the organization of ‘Family’… and was an individual for whom the intimacy that I craved was intrusive, uncomfortable, and innately unpleasant. While I, to the opposite extreme, cared nothing for organization nor structure while harboring the fantasy that marriage would remove all impediments to a life as lovers and intimates in all of life’s considerations.

Oh yes… the wedding night was a stark revelation! But I had no way to interpret those presented realities. I had only my absurdly ignorant presumptions to operate by. Hence, I set about making dramatic gestures and outlandishly gallant demonstrations that I presumed would create the environment necessary to allow my wife to be comfortable with expressing those yearnings that I falsely believed we shared (again, laboring under the presumption that we all share the same desires in life.) I chased that false belief for many frustrating (for both of us) years.

When a friend told me of the intimacy and joy shared with her spouse while riding their motorcycle together… I bought a motorcycle (which my wife wisely (given the safety considerations inherent to cycle riding) refused to ever so much as touch [even though I had purchased matching helmets for us… who could possibly pass up an opportunity to wear helmets that match the bike?].) When another friend told me of the intimacy and romance enjoyed with her husband while camping in the wilderness… I bought the largest (which I surmised would be the most accommodating and comfortable) canoe manufactured by the Grumman company. I outfitted it with teak floor runners (to keep our feet dry), cushioned seats (for obvious reasons), indeed… every accessory available for such a craft to insure that we would have the optimum ‘togetherness experience.’ When my wife asked where the restroom facilities were to be found while in the ‘wilderness’ I knew that this too was doomed. These forays into ‘environment creating’ exercises included home décor, furnishings, landscaping, clothing, career and on and on until rejection became my interpreted conclusion. I was simply not the person with whom she could ever join in that transcendental relationship of ecstatic bliss that I continued to believe was the desire of everyone. And I labored under the mantle of belief that this less-than satisfying reality was entirely a product of my failing.

All of these areas of focus were approached with the sub-surface hope that the creating the ideal setting would translate into acceptance expressed in romance. I presumed that the responsibility for romance in our relationship rested entirely on my creation of a suitable, acceptable, and nurturing environment for romance. Hopeless assignation and despair followed those fruitless efforts. All of which could have been averted if only I had been aware of that one tiny fact… we are all created to be different. And that can be a very good thing when understood, embraced, and enjoyed.

Now… let me take a moment here to make quite clear the fact that I am entirely mindful of the discomfort created by the discussion of such painfully personal matters. Do not interpret my candor as some reckless exercise of insensitive callousness. Quite the contrary! Yet, I press on in response to the overriding consideration of the suffering that is now, or can be later yours. You see, my Dear Friend, there is no cost too great for me to take responsibility for in the mission to provide you with an expanded scope of understanding and/or awareness of potentialities. I would have you to know that, upon entering a potentially all-fulfilling and, simultaneously, possibly excruciating relationship, you will have more areas to consider than the best-intentioned friend or family member will be at ease discussing with you. I am making some of what I have learned (which is but a small bit, at best) available for your edification. Before you proceed into that place of testing I want you to be equipped with a little more than would have been yours without my added gift to you. I am still driven by that compulsion to insure against the future possibility of an “I wish that I had…” of cowardly neglect, should I fail to speak.

[This work is an excerpt from a book in progress... your comments are welcome]


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

"Let's Get Together"

“Let’s get together,” you usually say (the “you” used here is a general and plural form including several who are encompassed in the radius of the sphere of my affection.)

“I would enjoy that” is my customary response which is, most often, countered, by you, with a “Give me a call sometime and we’ll arrange it.” We then disconnect our telephone link with the unspoken understanding that I did "give you a call"… just now… and your plate of life’s demands and elections is too full to allow you to "arrange it" now, or initiate a call to me in the future.

This is quite OK. I am, after all, the one intruding into your activity agenda in response to my spontaneous “inner voice" and I live in the knowledge that Life’s purpose was satisfied by my willingness to reach out. This is my personal calling… my ministry… my purpose… my satisfaction and joy… my role in our relationship… this reaching out. And the reaching out is something that I can do to reassure us both that our friendship is alive and well.

I know that the moment just shared by us was a gift to us both and I enjoyed the gift. The love that we share makes it so.

So, Dear Friend, ‘til next time, “Adieu”
John-Michael/19 January 2002


IMAGE: Andrew Barr, BBC

Your Most valuable Asset

You are doing far too much. You are involved in too many things. Your “plate” of responsibilities is absurdly overfilled. You are asking too many questions, of too many diverse sources. You are “spreading yourself too thinly.” And none of this is any surprise to you. You have, in fact, worn these truths as a badge of some kind of twisted honor. And, to add insult to injury, our world applauds and salutes your indiscretion. You are doing a lousy job in your Personal Resource Investment Plan… and the world is cheering you on toward spiritual and emotional bankruptcy. Stop it! Get a grip on your life. Become a miser with yourself… for, my very exhausted and frazzled Reader… Yourself is the asset that you will hold yourself (at some point, or points of reckoning) accountable for.

There is, in that world of finances and money matters that formed my universe for far too many years, a guiding principle that is universally known and foundational in its import to the concept of financial accountability. It is the “Prudent Man Rule.” And it goes like this:

prudent man rule
n. the requirement that a trustee, … must only invest [assets] entrusted to him/her as would a person of prudence, i.e. with discretion, care and intelligence.
[thelawencyclopedia.com]

It is my contention that there is no asset (for which you and I are to be held accountable) more fundamental than that of our Self. That is, our energies… our passions… our affections… our physical, spiritual, psychological, and mental resources of every type and description. And we are (forgive the vernacular… but it delivers the power of statement better than any other) “pissing ourselves away!”

That is right! We are casting elements of ourselves away to every supposed immediate priority that clamors for some of “us” with every meeting of our neighborhood council, charity drive, career enhancement seminar, church “study” program, sport activity, recreational offering, professional standards update, (need I go on… I could, you know.) And our peace of mind and spirit is nowhere to be known. There is NEVER any sense of lasting satisfaction or accomplishment. You have diluted yourself through “multitasking” (Oh how I do detest that evil concept that presupposes that no one thing [or person] is worthy of focus!) to an ineffectual and indefinable substance that is so lacking in individuality that you never “Know Thyself.” For thy Self is a watered down, dispersed, and indefinable substance-less form that is totally lacking in Being.

I invite you… right now… in this isolated moment of your reading of these words from the heart of One who cries for you (because you have neither time nor energy to cry for yourself)… please stop. Look at what your irresponsible scattering of your energies is costing the long-term value of that “portfolio” that is the worth of You. Look at how you are embezzling resources from the relationships that are losing value by the unavailability of some of You to be invested in them. Why? Again why would you spend ANY of You on some “reality” TV show that captures your emotions and leaves you spent… with nothing to show for your investment. Why are you following that tragic (legitimately tragic, mind you) news event that breaks your heart, angers and frustrates you, drains away large chunks of the core emotions of You… and leaves you unable to respond to the very near needs of a relationship that would return dividends of lasting value?

For, My Very Dear Reader, (now brace yourself for a shock) you are not immortal… you are not infinite… your resources and assets are, most definitely, limited. And I am calling you to an accounting of your application of the Prudent Man Rule in the one business that you are eternally responsible for… You. Please stop “nickel and diming” yourself away on fleeting and unsound exercises in waste. Value You. Look into your mirror (I mean it… physically do it) and look into the eyes of the one sole person who controls the “purse strings” of all that is the marvelously and wondrously created You. And begin, one “No!” at a time to deny all those who (for very ’noble’ and ’worthy’ causes) would diminish what you would most prudently invest in what is of lasting and permanent value to you and those who have partnered in this business of life with you.

This is the “prudent’ thing to do. This is being strong and purposeful in a world that knows no purpose beyond the moment’s allure. This is securing, for yourself, a legacy of infinite “returns” on your investment of that “limited edition” treasure… You.


IMAGES:(Top to bottom):Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com, Public Domain, and Getty Image

Real To The Puppy

The only Billy Graham column that I recall ever reading had a heading that captured my eye. If I recall correctly, it read “Puppy Love.” In his column, Dr. Graham responded to a mother's exhortation to “Please set my son straight and tell him in your column that he is too young to know ‘real love’. I have tried to explain that his ‘puppy love’ is not real," she explained further "but he will not listen to me. I know that he will listen to you.” Billy Graham’s response etched itself into my consciousness and altered my perspective on the legitimacy of the viewpoint of others forever. He simply said “It is real to the puppy.”

Thank you Dr. Graham!

I hit my thumb with a hammer yesterday… and do you know, it did not even occur to me to say “There are people in this world with far worse problems.” Oh no! What I said was “… “ well never mind what I actually said… that is more than you need know. But, My Dear Reader, I think that you begin to see where we are going here. That throbbing thumb did not get recognized with the cool detachment of some applied table of relative sufferings. It consumed all of my attention for not only that instant, but each time that I bumped it against something for the balance of the day. It was very real to this puppy!

And so it is with all of us. We apply every fiber of ourselves in whatever is served on our “plate of circumstances.” We do not adjust our response to some budget of presupposed priorities. When that circumstance is served up by Life to us… it gets all of our undivided attention. It is our responsibility, and we rise to meet whatever it requires.

Then along comes the parade of “supporters”, the well-wishers, those who deign themselves to be our care-inflictors. And they come with their endless variety of platitudes. “Well Dear, you know, don’t you, that it could be worse.” “I see, Dear, but, you know… I knew someone who had a far worse circumstance.” “Oh my, that is not nearly as serious a problem as ___” (and they begin to fill that blank in with stuff that amazes you in its voluminous quantities.) What about (I ask) a simple, brief, and sincere “I am so sorry.” How about a tiny bit of empathy! Hey folks… this is real to this puppy!

So today, Dear Friend, I ask not how your pain compares to the pain of others. I ask “Do you have pain?” And if you do… “I am so sorry.” For I would not that your life be aggravated, harassed, or vexed by pain, discomfort, or inconvenience of any sort or variety. My sixty years has blessed me with many and varied pains, confusions, unhappinesses, and miseries. I know how lonely suffering is. And I would lessen and even eliminate all or part of what you are now hosting were it in my power. What is, most certainly, in my power is my capacity and willingness to love and care about you. So, Dear One, please permit my spirit to reassure you that you are, most certainly, not alone right now… in this moment of your reading… you are thought of. Though I know not your name… The One who does know you knows the legitimacy of my care for you. And together… one moment at a time… we are in union to lighten the burden of your spirit’s load. This Puppy loves you.


IMAGES: www.puppydogweb.com

Our Memory Treasury

Fat Jacque’s “Cajun Café”

Having returned to my sanctuary of silence,
I seek the renewed nurturing of the womb…
Encompassing me with security, warmth and safety…
And free from all of the threats, dangers, and fears outside.

Such is my weekly visit to my special place.
The surroundings caress me with natural peacefulness.
The staff are genial in a genuine and caring way.
The music playing seems tuned to my soul.
And my favorite spot is there… awaiting me.

Blessed respite from life… needed ‘time out’ called mid-game…
Fat Jacque’s… I’m back!

JohnMichael/19 October 1989

Unfortunately, this sacred hideaway is no longer in business. But I saved this reflection for the single purpose of retreat. I, occasionally, allow myself an immersion in the sensations enjoyed there through reading this. That is the wonder and miracle of memories.

I hope that I have “triggered” some favorite memory of yours with the sharing of mine. If so, you and I are sharing in an intimate “spirit moment” right now. Perhaps we can ease ourselves out into our respective worlds… and create a new deposit for our memory treasury. I will tell you mine if you will tell me yours.


IMAGE: Peter Hilton, Hilton Harbour, hilton.org.uk

When Talking To Yourself... Again

I have, For a very long time, engaged myself in a personal quest to expand my abilities to talk to myself. We all do it, you know (some more enthusiastically than others.) We commonly call it “Thinking.” That is right! Thinking is nothing more than our mind “talking to itself.” Hence, it has occurred to me that my abilities to think are either helped or hindered by the tools, with which I equip myself, for this exercise called thinking. For, don’t you see, our ability to think is limited by only three phenomena. They would be (1) Natural ability, (2) Input, and (3) Language with which to process the input through the natural mechanism.

Now, it is fairly obvious that I can do little to affect my natural mental abilities (other than to enhance through exercise or degrade through atrophy.) But I can darn sure exercise willful control over the input into the mechanism that I know as my mind. And, I can, further, equip that mechanism with more and better “tools” with which to do the processing by my continuous expansion and improvement of my working vocabulary. And I can, even further, have a direct effect on the world that is touched by me by enhancing its environment. This I do through the presentation of expanded concepts and perspectives… while equipping those lives with new vocabulary with which to engage their own thinking processes.

I, therefore, expose you, My Dear Reader, to what I hope are healthy and uplifting viewpoints on meaningful topics that are rarely presented by the world that surrounds us. And, in those presentations, I intentionally employ the vocabulary that I have adopted for my own mind and heart for an elevated inner discourse of the spirit. I may not be able to reach into the far corners of this troubled world, nor, even into the corners of the troubled mind of my next-door neighbor. But I most certainly can (and make every effort to) enhance the working environment of your mind while providing a vocabulary of love, caring, honor, embracing, and respect with which you can be kinder to yourself and all those touched by you.

It is, therefore, with my genuine love, respect, and care for you and that special world that Life has entrusted to your influence, that I bid you “Happy Talking To Yourself.” I say “Let’s surround ourselves with beautiful , majestic, artful, sensitive, engaged, and inspiring 'input'." Then let’s (together… for we are, indeed, in this together!) start using those words of power… "Love" (believe me please, it does become easier [and even enjoyable] with practice)… "Enjoy" (in place of ‘need to’ or ‘must’, or ‘should’… saying ‘I would enjoy___‘.) For it is this active engagement of your conscious awareness… in a willfully pro-active effort… an effort to make your inner and exterior world a better place in which to celebrate life… that you will generate a happier time of life for you and all touched by you.

"Man is made or unmade by [ his will ]. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace."
William James

Remember…Everything begins with a thought. We have the ultimate control over all that begins, with the way that we think… the quality of our “self talk.“ We have the power to create a better ‘everything’ in our personal world with the simple management of our thinking. I pledge to you, my personal best efforts in uplifting you with my topics of discussion coupled with the language that I use in my presentations. For it has been my living desire to make my world a better place ever since my history teacher (Mr. Tony Jonaitis) told our class in 1962 “If in the short time that you are on this earth, you do not leave it a better place for your having been here… you will have wasted your time.”

We can do this… one moment at a time… one thought at a time… just you wait… just you watch… you will see. And what better purpose could any of us pursue?


IMAGES: Neil Jones, Guy Thomas, Peter Meade, BBC

24 Karat Me

What I am in Eternity is ME.

No title, no role, no part in any process, just simply ME.

And the more that I become the unmitigated, unadulterated, 24 Karat ME, the more comfortable I am in my relationship with all that is Eternal.

With my hope that I have reminded you of the value and worth of that precious commodity that is YOU, I remain, Your Friend and Servant,
JohnMichael
06 November 2003


IMAGE: public source

Our "Better Angels"

I cannot watch the news broadcasts on television... nor listen to radio presentations of the world's "news"... nor, even, watch and listen to interviews of world leaders, for more than a short while, before becoming overwhelmed by the mean-spirited, unkind, ungracious, and disrespectful attitudes that make for the theme of all that is swirling about all of us at this very moment. I must say... to you, Dear Reader (for you and I share with each other this moment in time and space as I write to you and you read with me)... please STOP! Stop listening to all of the accumulated din of the noise of nastiness. Stop the cacophony of madness that seems to propel itself through our awareness. And listen... Listen to a voice from our not too distant past. The voice of a man of note who bore the burden of care for a fledgeling nation torn by strife and anger. The voice of an unlikely figure who took upon himself the mantle of responsibility for the nurturing and guardianship of a people who were not capable of even knowing how much in need of care and nurturing they were.

Stop... and listen to Abraham Lincoln as he addressed his nation on the event of his first inauguration into office as President of The United States of America on Monday, 04 March 1861... and let your own "better angels" be encouraged today.

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

Abraham Lincoln
First Inaugural Address
Monday, March 4, 1861

In this world that has become more intimate and familiar than Mr. Lincoln could ever have visualized, I would suggest that we are all... this common community of every continent of us... a new "Union" of humankind. Further, "We must not be enemies" but must, by all means, Be friends. And I would hope that we could rise, together, to the needs of us all in new "bonds of affection." One heart at a time... starting with me to you.

With my prayer for a more peaceful spirit within you this day, I remain, as always, Your caring and faithful Friend and Servant, John-Michael


IMAGE : Public Source

My Father's Day

Well… It took me until 4:33PM, on this day that we recognize as “Fathers’ Day”, to get myself to the point where I can sit at the keyboard and deliver the thoughts that had me looking through tears as I delivered this morning’s newspapers. The source of the tears? An image. A clear recollection of Dad’s eyes on the occasion of our last exchange between each other.

As some of you already know, Dad died at 3:05PM, Sunday, 05 May 06. But the image that visited me this Fathers’ Day morning was from a moment when I was massaging Dad’s leg to help him deal with a severe pain spasm. We were, with Linda my sister, in a hospital room and Dad had been suffering terribly with those seizures of abdominal pain. To lessen the pain and reassure Dad that he was not alone in his struggle, I employed a technique learned in assisting the mother of my children with her child-deliveries.

As I talked Dad through each spasm and increased the intensity of massage to suit the pain’s demand, Dad looked through the fog of Alzheimer’s power and actually smiled at me in a rare moment of clarity. Though he could not speak, his eyes communicated volumes. Then, as the medications took hold and the intensity of the pain was mitigated, I started to withdraw my hand. Dad grabbed my retreating fingers and squeezed them with a ferocity that demanded attention. Upon looking into his eyes, I saw an eloquence in them that spoke with such clarity that I responded “I know Dad… Me too.” Again, he smiled… a sweet, calm, and tender smile that, in harmony with his gaze, spoke to my soul. “I love you too Daddy… I will be here and see you tomorrow.” He squeezed an acknowledgement… then released my fingers.

That was the last time that Dad and I communicated. And it was that face that visited me this morning. So, why tell you about this? Because my life is dedicated to urgently encouraging you to adopt a life practice of recognizing, respecting, honoring, and communicating your deepest emotions to those to whom that communication will have life-enhancing value. You see, my dad did not know how to do that. He was raised by a father (his Mom died when he was young) who demanded a denial of all emotion (save anger) and had a cruel disdain for sentiment. Dad never learned how to deal with his emotions. It was only in his last couple of years that he slowly allowed himself to respond to my unrelenting expressions of love for him. Culminating with the moment just recounted.

I want more for you, Dear Reader. I want more for those who look to you for instruction in healthy emotional living. I want more for those who have an unceasing hunger for your love and are crippled in their own emotional health by an absence of your assurances of affection. I want this because I lived for sixty years with a dad who had those emotions and sentiments caged within himself and was frustrated and vexed with his inability to release them. Dad would enthusiastically endorse my entreaty to you to take all possible measures to
“Know Thy [emotional] Self.”

The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind.
John Allston

Consider This

I did a little shopping this morning. As I was leaving the store, I saw the Manager talking with a group of the store associates. In response to that nagging little inner-voice, I left my cart-full of stuff, went over with hand extended “Good morning, please forgive my intrusion, but I want to thank you for the consideration that you are giving (and I named the associate) in this time of dealing with health issues. It is very kind of you and I want you to know that it is appreciated.”

I received, in return, a rigid handshake (not unlike what you would expect from any average store mannequin) accompanied by eye contact that is yet to be made. I left the store having accomplished my mission. For, you see, the manager had, in fact, extended no consideration to said employee. I could have approached him with a confrontational “I think that you should be more caring and considerate of the current physical challenges to a very diligent and devoted associate.” which would have put him on the defensive and put the associate in an even less advantageous position. A lose-lose-lose result. I opted, instead, to subtly let the manager know that his treatment of the associate did not escape outside eyes, that there was, at least, a chance that the associate was presenting him in a favorable light to the community, and that at least some, of said community, were willing to speak up for the associate’s interests a well as his behavior. And all done in a pleasant and positive tenor. As I went away from him it was with the word “consideration” on my mind. And it is the merit of that word that I want to visit with you today.

Consider:
To show consideration for
To esteem; regard
To look at thoughtfully
To think carefully; reflect
To be occupied or concerned with

You have heard me use this word with more frequency than most words that I employ. The reason for, and purpose in that is that I have an urgent desire to encourage all of us (myself included… I too listen to my admonitions) to take the time and expend the effort to “show consideration for”, and “to esteem and regard”, and “to look at carefully”, and “to think carefully; reflect”, and “to be occupied or concerned with” ourselves, our lives, and our influence on the individuals touched by our lives. This is the core purpose in all that I write and live. It is the essence of being in each moment for to “Be” is to be considering all of the functioning aspects of our Being. That poor manager was caught up in Doing the stuff of his daily “to do list” without giving due consideration to the significance of his actions. He is missing life.

So, Dear One, I ask that you CONSIDER yourself and the significance of even this very moment… lest you miss the opportunity to truly live this moment.

"Consider the lilies…, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin. And yet… even Solomon, in all of his glory, was not arrayed like one of these."
Matthew 6:28.

Something worth considering. Your caring Friend and Servant, John-Michael


IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of Jon Sullivan, PDPhoto.org