Tuesday, February 12, 2008

About You

I have always … from the earliest recollections that I can summon … had an awareness that I am not here … wherever ‘here’ is, or has been … for myself. I have known … even when I didn’t know what the definition of this core foundation was … that my life’s interest and intent is about You. Perhaps the most profound confrontation with this awareness came when I was in the “getting to know you” phase of a working relationship with Joe, my psychologist and, ultimately, a friend. Joe was dismissing me from our visit, and said “Before you go, I want you to look at me and say ‘I deserve to be successful.’” I couldn’t bring myself, after several attempts and with Joe's coaching and encouragement, to say those words. Joe summarized that moment with “We are now at Square One.”

He, of course, meant what anyone in that environment would have concluded from my behavior. It would seem “obvious” that I saw myself as unworthy of success. But I knew, in my gut, that this was not what held me back from the affirmation of my belief in my worthiness for success. And it took many years (in the solitude of private reflection) for me to come my present understanding of the dynamic in play on that long-ago day. You see, Dear Friend, I simply find all that is this world’s definition of “success” to be repugnant. I detest all that is promoted as “success.” And I had absolutely no clue ... even in the remotest ... as to what I could embrace as my own individual definition of success. I now know that to be in the intimate, romantic, and idealistic pursuit of what is best for You.

This has been my innate, inborn, natural and core inclination from birth … due to my particular temperament/personality type. There is no noble election or choice, on my part, involved. It is, simply, what I was born with. No more a matter of my doing than the colour of my eyes. The Creator made me this way … and so, that is my deal. And, to make that natural inclination even more concrete, in my unspoken but always present value system, I was raised in a fundamentalist evangelical environment that espoused the condemnation of all of those “material” things that are “this world’s riches” … and endorsed the ultimate value and worth of those spiritual things that are eternal and never depreciate in worth. How's that for a double whammy? So I was as unfit for a place in the “material world” as anyone could possibly be when I found myself “out there.” Hence, many years of conflicts in careers and business endeavors. And, I now understand what all of those years of stresses and struggles were all about. Now, that I carry the tiny bit of resulting baggage ... (also the legacy of parenting a child with extraordinary challenges, a non-marriage, and other ‘life-stuff’) ... known as “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Oh well! At least I now have a comfortable working relationship with … my Self. And that is just so cool that I can not begin to express the joy of it.

And, Dear One, I am now able to exercise those instinctive urges, desires, motivations and impulses that have as their focus and intent … You. You, in your desires to enjoy your life more by having a tiny window of encouragement and hope opened into the walls of your life’s domicile … By offering my stories, poems, reflections, songs, photos, and the pleasant diversions, that I feel may have some potential for benefit to you. You, in your efforts to understand those around you … and the place that you share in one another’s lives … By bringing insights into, and rudimentary explanations of, our differing temperaments. You, as you seek a place to comfortably include those persons who challenge what you hold to be true and right … By bringing some tools for enabling your acceptance of and respect for their “right to be wrong.” Yes … I am now comfortably enjoying this, my little ’virtual monastery of spiritual retreat”, and offering an invitation to all who have even a fleeting sense of need or desire to share it with me.

So, today, I present this bit of insight into myself in the hope and understanding that it might just have a beneficial purpose for You … if You are that one prepared by Life for what I share today. If it is so for you … I would be so pleased for you to let me know. I do love You, you know … I always have … can’t help myself. [smiling]


Katie McKenna said...

"I simply find all that is this world’s definition of “success” to be repugnant. I detest all that is promoted as “success.” And I had absolutely no clue ... even in the remotest ... as to what I could embrace as my own individual definition of success."

This post, this section as well as others..amazed me. Not because it is so off balance or odd..no, but because I might have written this myself... although I do not believe in absolutes... I recognize your words, feelings and thoughts.

I've wondered... I've had a lot - and given it all away. I rarely hold on to anything that I am not truly needing...

I avoid labels and slots, wishing, desiring to only be.. me... at any given moment. I'm happy exploring my Self... exploring possibilities and celebrating the experiences of going in a good way.

I realize that Society sees life differently. I'm not concernerned with that. This is my life, my journey ... and my gift.

Thank you for sharing yourself through this blog, through this post.

John-Michael said...

I am humbled ... and stilled by the Spirit of your words. So young ... and yet courageous in your openness to what is eternal and lasting.


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