Monday, February 04, 2008

Loving Her

I didn’t want to use her … I wanted to love her … and that is still, on this very day, at this exact moment, what I want. I am fully aware … know exactly … have complete knowledge and understanding of her perception of what is required of her to be accepted and have worth. And she was, and is right in the great majority … yet, so wrong in me.

Yes, Dear Friend, I am fully aware of my shift from the past tense to the present. For, you see, I knew Her … then. And have met Her, yet again, now. I yearned, then, to communicate my devotion to Her … my adoration of all of the Person … the individual, tender, sensitive, and fragile creature that my senses knew Her to be. But neither She nor I had any preparation for … any knowledge of how to respond to … any skills to allow us to communicate an understanding of the depth of what was born between us … even if we had, miraculously, been capable of such an understanding. We were reduced, through the limitations of our ineptitudes, to frantic, clumsy, awkward, and ultimately frustrating attempts to express the inexpressible.

I knew Her in the persons of two distinctly separate individuals, then. Two who had no similarities in any circumstance, save their twin core spirits. And now, today, I have a renewed acquaintanceship with that very core spirit … in another. And, just as was true then, I have fallen in love. The significant difference today being … I understand … I know … I am fully responsible for my opted-for response. And, just as was true then, She is unable to recognize the merits of my love for her. Hence She is robbed of the benefit of a peaceful rest in and celebration of a love that requires no “return on investment.” She has only Her previous experience to serve her as reference for a way to interpret what I have given Her. And that experience, sadly, falls immeasurably short of what I give.

So, you might ask, how do I find any encouragement for my own spirit in this obviously (to the uninformed and not-understanding) doomed placement of my affections. And I can (and do, even as I write this account) smile and rest in my knowledge that She was, after some forty years, able (in both if Her past personifications) to know and appreciate the depth and quality of my unending love for Her. She was able to reach past all of those years, beyond all of those ensuing circumstances and experiences, and share with me Her satisfaction with the legitimacy of my indelible love. And, tonight, as I give vent to my soul on this page, I have a quiet and trusting awareness that She, of today’s encounter, will, when it counts … when it is most needed … find solace and pleasant comfort in an understanding that She is then (whenever that someday might be) just as unwaveringly loved as on this present day.

If all of this seems “other-worldly” and mystical to your reading … that is completely proper and appropriate. For, Dear One, I love in an “other-worldly” and mystical way. I know love to be something eternal … of the spirit and soul. And I choose to open myself to a trusting confidence in the Host, of all things eternal, to validate the worth and authenticity of my loving.

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