My marriage jumps to the fore in my consideration of major life
presumptions. Now please bear with me here… I know that, in the light of today’s understandings, this is going to seem to be outrageously naïve and perhaps even a bit (dare I say) stupid. But I did truly believe that we all have the same inborn yearnings. It was my unspoken, never-discussed, somehow gut-level conviction that the feelings and desires that were mine were universally shared by all human beings. I was convinced that if I set the stage, created the atmosphere, permitted the dynamic to spontaneously happen… romance would erupt in my marriage. I was wrong.
I was not misinformed… I was uninformed. I had absolutely no information… no education… no hint of the dramatic differences between the four major groups of human beings (forget the more subtle variations between the sixteen subgroups.) I was ignorant of the existence of the absolute reality of
different temperament types and personality profiles. And I am writing now in the awareness that most of those reading these words are becoming aware of those differences for the first time.
I believed that the restraint exercised by my betrothed prior to marriage was an expression of her religious convictions. Again, I was wrong… as was graphically demonstrated on our wedding night. For her, the time of courtship was over and the business at hand was the commencement of the building of all of the accouterment of a family and a home. That time of playful teasing and romantic overture had served its purpose and there was the more serious business of the next level of adult behavior… that of ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ were to commence. You see, Dear Friend, my bride knew and was completely comfortable with who she was.
And that person, for her, is what Aristotle identified as the ‘proprietari’ or one whose focus is on the procurement and protection of the ‘things’ (or properties) of life. This is the natural and appropriate function-set for those known to Kinsey as the ‘
Guardians.’ I, on the other hand, was clueless as to my own identity. I had spent the first twenty-two years of life in the accommodation of the ‘audience’ around me… tailoring myself to meet the needs, expectations, desires, and tastes of whomever had, at that moment, my focus. Hence, as what I later learned was part and parcel of my
Idealist temperament, I was constantly involved in ‘healing’ that individual’s self-need of the moment.
Thus, I never gave any consideration to what was at the core of me. I really thought that what I felt… everybody felt. What I desired… was the desire of all. I interpreted the wedding night as a happening that I had failed to set the tone, or the environment for. I was, therefore, entering the (allow the metaphor)
fires of marriage completely unaware of the fact that my bride wished for the comfort of the structure of ‘Marriage’… yearned for the belonging associated with the organization of ‘Family’… and was an individual for whom the intimacy that I craved was intrusive, uncomfortable, and innately unpleasant. While I, to the opposite extreme, cared nothing for organization nor structure while harboring the fantasy that marriage would remove all impediments to a life as lovers and intimates in all of life’s considerations.
Oh yes… the wedding night was a stark revelation! But I had no way to interpret those presented realities. I had only my absurdly ignorant presumptions to operate by. Hence, I set about making dramatic gestures and outlandishly gallant demonstrations that I presumed would create the environment necessary to allow my wife to be comfortable with expressing those yearnings that I falsely believed we shared (again, laboring under the presumption that we all share the same desires in life.) I chased that false belief for many frustrating (for both of us) years.
When a friend told me of the intimacy and joy shared with her spouse while riding their motorcycle together… I bought a motorcycle (which my wife wisely (given the safety considerations inherent to cycle riding) refused to ever so much as touch [even though I had purchased matching helmets for us… who could possibly pass up an opportunity to wear helmets that match the bike?].) When another friend told me of the intimacy and romance enjoyed with her husband while camping in the wilderness… I bought the largest (which I surmised would be the most accommodating and comfortable) canoe manufactured by the Grumman company. I outfitted it with teak floor runners (to keep our feet dry), cushioned seats (for obvious reasons), indeed… every accessory available for such a craft to insure that we would have the optimum ‘togetherness experience.’ When my wife asked where the restroom facilities were to be found while in the ‘wilderness’ I knew that this too was doomed. These forays into ‘environment creating’ exercises included home décor, furnishings, landscaping, clothing, career and on and on until rejection became my interpreted conclusion. I was simply not the person with whom she could ever join in that transcendental relationship of ecstatic bliss that I continued to believe was the desire of everyone. And I labored under the mantle of belief that this less-than satisfying reality was entirely a product of my failing.
All of these areas of focus were approached with the sub-surface hope that the creating the ideal setting would translate into acceptance expressed in romance. I presumed that the responsibility for romance in our relationship rested entirely on my creation of a suitable, acceptable, and nurturing environment for romance. Hopeless assignation and despair followed those fruitless efforts. All of which could have been averted if only I had been aware of that one tiny fact… we are all created to be different. And that can be a very good thing when understood, embraced, and enjoyed.
Now… let me take a moment here to make quite clear the fact that I am entirely mindful of the discomfort created by the discussion of such painfully personal matters. Do not interpret my candor as some reckless exercise of insensitive callousness. Quite the contrary! Yet, I press on in response to the overriding consideration of the suffering that is now, or can be later yours. You see, my Dear Friend, there is no cost too great for me to take responsibility for in the mission to provide you with an expanded scope of understanding and/or awareness of potentialities. I would have you to know that, upon entering a potentially all-fulfilling and, simultaneously, possibly excruciating relationship, you will have more areas to consider than the best-intentioned friend or family member will be at ease discussing with you. I am making some of what I have learned (which is but a small bit, at best) available for your edification. Before you proceed into that place of testing I want you to be equipped with a little more than would have been yours without my added gift to you. I am still driven by that compulsion to insure against the future possibility of an “I wish that I had…” of cowardly neglect, should I fail to speak.
[This work is an excerpt from a book in progress... your comments are welcome]
IMAGES through the gracious courtesy of
Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com
All the breath and the bloom of the year
Breath and bloom, shade and shine,…
