My Personal Message to Tati

Hello Tati (I would love to know your full name),

I know that this has taken what seems to be an absurdly long time in coming. Don’t feel bad. My youngest daughter (now 28 yrs old) once asked me a life-shaping question that took me 1 ½ years to work out an answer to. By the time that I had an answer for her … she dismissed me with her “It’s too late now! I don’t care any more.” (Perhaps others can someday benefit from what I learned in that attempt to help her.)

I am a ‘conceptual’ thinker, and have to shape and form an ‘image’ of a thought in order to communicate it. This is defined by educators as a ‘learning handicap’ … I just accept it as my unique way of thinking. And, as you have no doubt noted, I am what is called ‘emotion driven.’ So when I read your blog post with your distinct pleas for some clarity on matters of great significance, you tipped my emotional canoe over with the weight of all that I saw in your message. So … it has taken this length of time to ‘conceptualize’ what I want to offer you … and a whole lot of effort to get past the enormity of my emotional overload attached to my affection and respect for you and your concerns. I tell you all of this not only to help you understand why it has taken me ‘til now to write. But also to illustrate part of what hope I can help you discover.

You see, My Dear Friend, I have come to a very clear and distinct understanding of and working knowledge of my Self. How I function, how I take in and process information and stimuli, and how I respond and communicate. This has taken many years and much study and counseling (which provided only the sketchiest and most rudimentary of information … but did give me a good sounding board for working out what I discovered on my own.) When I read your 24 March post, it triggered 30 years of stored emotion and empathy. For, you see, I was struggling with precisely the same emotions and sorts of thoughts that plague you now … back then. So, My Darling Tati, I am making an attempt at condensing more than 30 years of discovery and integration of concepts and ideas … into this brief (though it may seem anything but brief) message for you.

When Matthew was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, I was confronted with the challenge of a lifetime. I had lived, prior to that, as the Jerry Lewis/ Red Skelton ‘make everybody happy and feel better about their circumstance’ guy in my world. My (yet undiscovered) temperament/personality limitations and constraints made dealing with life’s details and picky particulars too stressful and mentally difficult for me to have any appetite for. So I married someone who delights in detail, control, and management. I was then free to be the happy “feel good” guy. Matthew needed far more than that. And I was elected (by default.) So I had to confront a whole universe of dilemmas and questions just like the ones that you are asking. The big “What’ the hell is it all about, how can I make a success out of my part in whatever this life thingy is about, and is it ever going to be possible for me to realize any comfort and/or fun out of living it???” questions.

So I started searching … all alone … without guidance (for there was no one to whom I could turn … family and friends simply did not have what I needed.) I haunted bookstores … read a whole library of ‘stuff’ … dealt with several counselors (a waste of time and $$$) … listened to tapes and watched videos … in general, worked my ass off in an effort to develop my Self into … ???? (did not know who or what I wanted, or needed to be.)

All that background … now you …! I am going to jump into that initial “who do I want to be?” deal. Here’s the cliffs notes, handy dandy guide to that. Go shopping! Look around at EVERYONE who you like … ask yourself “what is it about them that I like?” And listen to your knee-jerk response. There is some trait … some characteristic … that you find pleasing in that individual. Identify it. Name it. Jot it down with an unspoken “that is just so cool! I really like that! I would someday like to see that in my Self!”… And at that point you have begun writing your own individual, unique, and personal Life-Script. For it is a well documented fact that we all live out a Script that we carry around in our sub-conscious mind. That script is written for us by an accumulation of contributors that include every voice that has ever impacted our self-image from birth to present. What you can do (I have [happily] done it myself) is compile and incorporate every characteristic that you find attractive in others … and write a new role for your life-script. Then replace that old worn out role that was written for you by others … with your new and self-designed one. This is the whole basis for an entire school of psychiatry and psychology that goes by the title of “Behavior Modification.”

Now, to make this new role in this new script a comfortable and enjoyable one. Find out what your natural and instinctive core traits are. Visit the Keirsey and Personality Page links on the side-bar of my blog, and take the quizzes. This will (trust me … it is a helpful tool) equip you to take manageable charge of your innate assets. You can, then, meld these characteristics into your new ‘role elements.’ This will also give you a healthy insight into the elements of life that make you happy, give you joy, and satisfy your desires. A really neat thing to identify, label, tag, and be aware of. (we do NOT all share common traits in these considerations.)

Now, to Vocabulary! I know that you are unaware of it … but you used the word “should” six times I your post. All related to what you SHOULD be thinking, feeling, or feeling. Here I will offer you a priceless new discipline. Eliminate, void, delete, erase, forbid, deny, eradicate, (starting to see a trend here? [smile]) ALL use of the following words from your self-talk and active vocabulary … should … must … need to … have to … ought to … got to … had better … etc. These words are a trap into slavery. They entrap you in a constructive mental and emotional slavery to all manner of expectation traps. They (by even thinking them) cause your blood pressure to rise … muscles to contract … blood vessels to constrict … adrenaline to be released (a toxin that damages all internal organs), and stress levels to spike. Just test them. Say those words and allow yourself to Feel your body’s immediate response. Notice the tension at your use of any of those destructive terms. Now try implementing “want to” … “would like to” … “will enjoy” … “will be happy to” … “would be interesting to” … etc. Did you notice how your entire Person relaxes with the use of this vocabulary. It puts You in control. Makes You responsible. Gives You the authority. And takes all of that away from some demanding, commanding, disrespectful, insatiable, unappreciative … Unknown Power God of Expectations.

Tati, my Dearest, I think that I may have overstayed my welcome with all of that. So I will quit while I am behind [grin]. Please know that I am yours to call upon at any time. If you like, I will give you my phone number and you will be welcome to do as those for whom I do Life Coaching, and call. Just send an Email, and I will give that to you.

I love all that is “Who you Are.” And am honored to be able to offer these “introductory” concepts to you.

NAMASTE