Sunday, April 02, 2006

A Private Message To Maria

I hope that you are dealing with the "craziness" of life’s happenings … with some measure of more tranquil and peaceful comfort. (You may notice [as it has just occurred to me] that I make frequent use of the word “comfort.” This is not because of my hearing it in use around me. But because that simple and uncomplicated word carries with it some chemistry that calms my inner Spirit … each time that I refer to it. And this calming and pleasant sense is something that I want so very much to make as my gift to you.

So, My beautiful (I have the photo of you with me as I visit with you [smile]) and precious Friend …


take a moment with me (in all of my magnificent handsomeness and charm [stupid grin]), have a cup of coffee, and let’s share a still and uncomplicated few minutes together.

(Yes! This does reveal how much I want us to be together … and I am allowing it to show! [gentle smile])


I didn't mean to make u feel that I'm not opening up about what happened in my relationship... It's still too fresh and I only recently came to realise that I was in a verbally abusive relationship... And I still feel uncomfortable and weird about it... mostly numb... very few times angry... most of the times confused and unsure of myself…Well, My Darling, I was simply trying to respond to what I felt that I was “hearing” as you made mention of your relationship, several times. So, I (as we say) “stuck my toe into the water” to discover if it felt like a welcoming place. And, I can assure you that I am speaking with a loving whisper, and listening with a tender ear, to your reluctant speaking of these unhappy times for you. So, I hope that you feel a tiny bit more comfortable with my presence in this place with you. I think that all of those emotions are completely natural … and appropriate … for this time. But I am made more sure of that because Alecia phoned as I was thinking about you today … so (and I do hope that you do not mind) I told her about your kind remarks about her … and read the things that you wrote about her being a really strong and optimistic person, and from what u've told me I truly admire her... She must have been through hell and came out alive and proud. Your words made her feel very good. Then she asked for more about you. So, I read this Email from you to her. And as I did, she said “Yes!! Oh Yes!! That’s EXACTLY how I feel too.” many times. Her 1st husband (and the father of her 3 children) is an alcoholic (just as her mother is.) And then she marries this guy that made all sorts of “romantic demonstrations” when they dated. But I read between the lines of his behavior and through his language and actions … and I knew that he was merely setting her up to take advantage of her. “But it is so good when it is good, Dad!” she would say (over and over again.) “I know that I can teach him to change in all of those other areas as he accepts the reality that I do love him and want the best for him.” Alas … he was, indeed, just manipulating her to get her to commit to marriage because he believed that, once married, he could abuse her (and her children) with foul language and physical abuses. So, as I shared your pain with her, she said again and again “Yes!, Yes!.” She agreed, with you, and me, that the 3 of us would enjoy time shared with each other [smile].

She, like you, was inclined to translate the abuses and disrespect of someone else whose motives and intentions are self-centered and all about their own wants and desires, as some sort of earned punishment for her own failings. I am so happy that we have, together, found the beautiful perspective that lifts her far above that dark valley to heights that permit a fuller and more complete vision of the larger picture of life. And she is embracing the truth of her magnificent worth … and enjoying the hell out of it!! [grin.] And you, My Precious Maria, are no less marvelous a young woman! Please believe me in this. For,, you see, I am not so noble and generous that I would allow my Self to be so completely captivated and enchanted by ANYONE who might be of any lesser qualities. I am VERY discriminating with my affections!

So, Maria, when you say I'm drained but I have to go on and smile and pick me up because I owe it to my parents and to everyone who believes in me… I can reassure you that you should most certainly be drained. You are, after all, a mortal and finite Human Being with defined and realistic limitations in emotional resources and energies. And you have had your Self subjected to a very long, unrelenting period of demands on all of those resources. So, to be “drained” is appropriate, indeed. And it is lovely, noble, and speaks of the beautiful Character that is the core of your being, that you want to restore your complete Self for the benefit of your Parents and all of those others who believe in you. BUT … first … you have a responsibility to that marvelous creation and magnificent Being that is … MARIA. She is so worthy of all of you. She is so wanting to know and appreciate all that you can discover about your talents, abilities, desires, and appetites. She has only You to rely on to meet her needs. And when you do that … when you care for YOU, and respectfully respond to your particular inclinations and designs … then (and ONLY then) Maria can be all that all of those who surround you and rely on you want and need. This is how the order of living priorities works best. And I am her for and with you all of the way … each baby step of the way. Because I do (as I have for these years now) love you.

I have said a lot here. But it is but a small drop in the bucket compared to the river of feeling that I have with it. (So you are very fortunate that I am exercising discipline in sparing you any more reading [grin]). I do hope that this note finds you having a moment of “Happy.” I want so much to bring that to you …

Loving you endlessly,
Your Forever Friend, John-Michael

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear and beloved friend, THANK YOU and I really do Thank your wonderful daughter too, for all the care and kindness you've shown to me! I truly appreciate it you shared this with Alecia because I really value what she has to say, even though I don' t know her personally.I do hope she's left all the bad things behind and wish that all the wounds have healed now!:-)

“But it is so good when it is good, Dad!” Oh, I've said this too many times also to my friends and family... and still do unfortunately... And when it was bad, he always told it was natural for couples to be like that, so, I used to think that I'm wrong, impatient and not experienced enough...[at this point a past experience enters- another (6-year-old) relationship with many controlling features that questioned my beliefs and myself]
I too thought that maybe things will get better in time as we better understood each other... but it only got worse...

I know I should take care of Maria firstly because I owe it to me and only when I'm comfortable with who I am I will be able to offer and take and be fully present, but I always question myself and I, in time, have sunk myself so deep in the belief that I'm a bad person that I can't seem able to emerge... Maybe in time...When I finally give up all hope for a better past(oh, I know...) and forgive my mistakes...[sad smile-but still, it's a smile!;-)]

Comfort and food for thought is what you always manage to offer me my friend :-), You Are Precious!

With much love and care,
Your friend always,
Maria

John-Michael said...

Well, My Darling Maria, I can tell you, for a fact, that Alecia has not "left all the bad things behind," nor have "all the wounds healed." The "bad things" continue to be passengers and unwelcome companions on her daily journeys in living. But, I am happy to be able to say, she is learning to tell them to take a "back seat" more and more frequently. And she is becoming stronger in refraining from glances into her rear-view mirror to check up on them. So she is giving herself fewer and fewer reflections of bad moments with bad thoughts and perceptions. She is increasingly focused on the road ahead of her as she experiments with comfort in Being a Person who she likes more, and she is overcoming her fears of the Unknown (that have been contributing motivations for her inviting "bad things" [habits and insecurities] to re-take a front seat and contribute to the navigation of her thinking and living.) It is a gradual (requiring that old nemesis "Patience") process. But Alecia is determined ... AND she has a magnificent sense of humor. And this ... a sense of being able to laugh at all of the nastiness, discouragement, and pain of life ...is her most valuable tool for working on the construction of the Person who she knows dwells within ... just waiting for completeness.

I am so glad that we can share these baby-steps of learning to walk a confident walk, together. When the clumsy and sometimes funny looking stumbles of early walking are mastered and an easier stride through life is established ... then, and only then, we can think about jogging. Just short distances, and then ... who knows what wonders will unfold!

Know that I am yours through and in it all. For that, My Darling, is what Friendship is. We are part and elements of each other. And i celebrate the wonder and beauty of this truth.

I love you ...

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