Straight Talk

Pour yourself another cup of … whatever. For it is time for old John-Michael to reveal more of himself than he ever intended. Not with any measure of unhappiness of regret, … just in comfortable statement of “what is.”

I awoke this morning with chest pains and muscle spasms. This is a “morning greeting” that I have not enjoyed since my years in an unhappy marriage. This difference today is in the fact that I can do something about it. And what is the “It?” “It” is the residual effect of emotional conflict.

I received two phone calls yesterday. Each was from a woman who had initiated unsolicited, but very welcome, offers of romance in months past. Each have, in the past, spoken of love and desires. Each, yesterday, laid their individual variety of “You are a phony.” and “I don’t think that you are telling me the truth.” on me. Both of these outlandish statements are born of the unwillingness of each individual to accept my practice of speaking in blunt, direct, and unrehearsed candor with them … and all others. The very traits that motivated each of them to burst into my private space with their declarations of affections and desires for intimacy, were now being thrown as javelins of accusation against me. It would seem that I am just too far outside of the accustomed “norm” to be credible.

All of this in my very present mind brings me to this … my private and personal “pulpit” with a message of clarification and definition. I will, first, make it perfectly clear that I pursue no personal “agenda” in my moment-by-moment relating to the world around me. To have an agenda, I would have to be seeking some benefit or the acquisition of something of value … for my Self. This would only make sense if I had some preferential inclination for my Self. And it is here is where the whole scheme falls apart. For, the simply fact is that I have no interest in laying up benefits for my Self … because I have no interest in the continuation of my Self. I have no desire to be here (in this form … alive) tomorrow. I have had no such interest for a good many years now. I have gone to sleep with the spoken and unspoken desire to not wake the next morning for many, many years.

“No way!” you would (as several others have) reply. “You enjoy life far too much to have such a wish!” I have heard. And you would be more than right. I do, indeed, enjoy life more than most who I am aware of. But that is a conscious commitment based on a deliberate choice. I renew that election with each day that is forced upon me. And I do have fun … I like fun! But the whole deal requires effort and drains my emotional (the source of all energy for those of my temperament/personality type) resources. At each day’s end I am weary and (in the absence of the one “restorative element” that would “recharge” me [a passionately intimate romantic relationship]) have no interest in a “repeat performance” on a day to follow.

“OK God,” I have often prayed, “bring on “Plan B” … am sick and tired of “Plan A.” Whatever You have in Your bag of tricks for whatever is next … is fine with my Spirit. I trust you to be Loving and Caring. So, let’s do it!” Thus far, the Heavenly response has been “Tough shit, Big Boy! Here’s another Plan A day to make into something good for whomever I bring your way. That will be your source of joy.” So, I accept (as if I had a choice) and throw all of whatever I can muster into doing just that.

So, you see, My Friend, there is no room for devising plans for self-enrichment or situation-betterment anywhere in that daily Reality that is My Life. How could I possibly be motivated to waste a moment in manipulating or deceiving when I haven’t the slightest interest in being around to “benefit” from such exercises? The idea is just plain stupid!

Now, enter the two women previously mentioned. One who is incarcerated in a set of immutable circumstances that hold her in a passionless and unfulfilling setting that prompted her reaching out through the “bars of responsibilities” to me. Seeking acceptance, endorsement, encouragement, friendship, affection, and yes, even passion, she offered her return of some of the same as inclined. From this less-than-sterling foundation, she launched her attack against my unbounded openness to and embracing of all who I encounter. “You are just a phony!” she railed as she stated her need to feel “special.”

The Other woman … when presented with the stark realities of this life of “Starving Artist” that I have chosen in order to free myself to pursue my life’s dream (as stated in my profile … written two years ago, when I started this blog.) … simply could not believe that I could be in a situation that did not allow fuel for my vehicle’s trip across the bay to be with her. “I don’t think that you are telling me the truth.” was her delicate way of saying what I heard as “You are a damned liar … and must have some secret reason for not wanting to be with me!” Well … that hurt my feelings. It wounded me. It bruised what had been an unblemished beginning to a potential “something.” And my baring my soul in defense of myself with presentation of the fact that I live on a mere $150 each week, did nothing to bring about any appreciation from her.

So, here I am … one woman demanding to be loved with a romantic passion exclusive to her, whilst she is permanently ensconced in a situation that denies any possibility of remedy. And another who is available, intellectually and emotionally attractive (whilst I haven’t a clue as to her appearance or the possibility of any “chemistry” that might occur between us [we haven’t yet met “in person” and though I have sent many recent photos, she refuses to send any to me.]) She has insisted that she desires all that I have to offer romantically as well as personally and wishes to reciprocate in kind. And both of these women are attacking me with the very elements of my Being that attracted them to me in the first place … my emotional availability, honesty, passion, and candor. And I am vulnerable to them, for what reason … a rational mind would ask. For the reason that my innate make-up … my core functioning … is instinctively predisposed to intimacy and romance. I have an insatiable hunger for that. Not a choice … a fact.

So, Dear Friend, it is here (no! … not a potty break!) that I must make clear the form and method of my processing of all of this nonsense. As an “INFP- Idealist/Romantic/Introvert” my mind must convert all of my life’s “Input” into some form of a “concept” … an image, picture, setting. Until this is done, I simply cannot “deal with” anything from mathematics, to art, to relationships. My mind goes into a mad scramble to form an image with the first bit of information on any topic. This not only presents a challenge in an academic setting (where the data being presented is completely lost until an overall concept of where that data fits into a larger picture is made.) But also in every relationship in my life.

And what do the conceptual images of my relationships with these two women look like? Well, we can describe my feelings this way … I allowed and encouraged the “structure” of Love to be built in each instance. And finishing touches to the basic construction were being made … fine moldings and trim (far short of paints, stains, and the like.) And as of yesterday … the power was cut. The lights are out. The unfinished work is draped … silence inhabits where frenzied work had been present. Echoes replace the sounds of music and lively voices. And an air of sad acknowledgement of disappointment reigns. So the “structure” of Love still occupies a place in my Being (in both instances … as in every instance of Love’s habitation throughout my past ... I'm creating quite a "ghost town" for my Self) but there is no Life in the structure. It is a mute space.

And instead of typing separate Emails, to each of these Ladies, today … I opted to take out the trusty Waterman, find my quiet corner in Micky D’s, and write this absurdly long account to be posted on the blog. I will then Email a link to each of them. And to any and all who entertain the thought of broaching similar concerns or interests with me into the future. This will be my “check here to understand how I function on this topic” document.

For now, I will accept this new day and give it all of Me … candid, honest, expressing Love when Love is felt; Adoration when it surfaces in response to some stimuli; and leaving nothing on the table for tomorrow. For I still prefer to hope that tomorrow is not going to have to be dealt with. And these considerations, as discussed today, are part of the reason for that predisposition. I will, again today, choose love and happiness over any alternatives. And, at day’s end, because there is still no “Significant Other” in whom and from whom I can restore my Self … I will, once again, fall exhausted, spent, and happy in my realization of all that is the best … while genuinely dreading another day without the Love and Romance that would make me want to see another day.